Should I just not try?

I keep saying to myself that I want a relationship…that I want that cute couple-y shit…but that’s just not true.

In reality, I think I just want someone to hold and I want someone to hold me. I want someone to kiss, I want someone to hug tightly, I want someone to do romantic things for me. After all… I am a hopeless romantic…one who believes in love and lovely things.

I’ve realized that that is all I want though… All the drama and frustrating moments just don’t seem worth it. I’ve now had my first experience of truly breaking down from realizing that a guy I really liked didn’t want me anymore…and it really got me thinking and debating if I really want all of it over again.

I started to ponder what would happen if I gave my all to someone…and we were madly in love…and then they were taken from me suddenly…like in an accident or something. All of those unresolved feelings and wild emotions… I don’t know if I want to go through with heartache like that.

So what now? Should I just not try?

Maybe the right person hasn’t come along yet and I will be ready when it happens?

We’ll see about that.

For now, I’m not expecting or hoping for anything anymore…

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Here’s something potentially amazing…but…once again… I’m a scared b*tch.

I haven’t felt like this in…hmm…I guess forever.

I’m so torn between two potentially amazing guys.

On one hand there’s the one I wanted first. He’s older, nice, tall, very handsome, very built…pretty much my ideal type of guy. I met him at my friend’s birthday dinner a few months ago. Then we all went to a rave together a couple weeks after that and it was so much fun. Towards the end of the night I wanted to dance with him. I told my friend and she talked to him (or maybe told him that I liked him) and he agreed to dance with me. I ended up taking his shirt off because…well…who wouldn’t want to. The guy is beautiful! Well, it was later when I found out that one of my other girl friends liked him too…and liked him before I liked him. So then I backed off for a while. Our group then went to another rave a month later and a few of my other girl friends found other random guys to…*le sigh*…make-out with. So I was just enjoying my night and spending some amazing hours with random hotties. But, at the end of the night when everyone was leaving, I was wondering why my hottie man and the friend that liked him first weren’t holding hands or standing near each other. So I went in. I took him by the hand and soon after that he wrapped his big arms around me and held me. We chatted a little bit, but we were mainly just enjoying embracing each other. (Plus, we were coming down from a certain substance.) When our groups split up because we parked in different lots, he kept holding onto me and wanted me to go with them… I wanted to, but I couldn’t because I went with my other girls. Besties before testes, ya know? ;D

Then, on the other hand, there’s this other guy that I communicate really well with… He’s younger, sweet, tall, cute…dresses well for his age…hipster some might say…and I’m not sure I would’ve ever thought I’d go for this type of guy. I met him at the airport because our flight back to school was delayed. Cute, right? Yeah, all my friends thought it was destiny and that we’d get married and blah blah blah. Our story started at the airport and we talked all throughout the plane ride and annoyed this older guy who kept turning around, looking at us, and turning back around to shake his head…literally every 5 minutes. We didn’t care one bit. We just kept talking, laughing, and giggling at how much we had in common. It was ridiculous how much we had in common!!! We talked about anything and everything! Then, I figured out that our ride to campus was somehow the same person! What?! That never happens in real life…only in movies. I’ve never talked for so long to a complete stranger before (he also agreed…I asked him a few days ago). Later that week I had a performance with my a cappella group and he wanted to get lunch. He bought our sandwiches and we sat and ate and talked some more. I figured out later that all that talking is what f*cked my voice over for the performance later that night haha. Anyway, a couple weeks later, when we were supposed to be studying for finals, we both couldn’t and we agreed to just walk to a middle point between our apartments and then say goodbye. We ended walking around our apartment complexes for a good 2 hours…after midnight…in the cold night…and then talked for another half hour in my apartment. Since we kind of live near each other (about an hour away if driving) we decided to hang out over Christmas break. We spent a good 8 hours together just exploring my city and being all touristy. My voice hurt so much after this because when we get together…we talk…a lot. We text a lot too when we’re not with each other. *le sigh* We met at the airport, we were both on the same delayed flight, we had the same ride, we go to the same school, we can talk for hours…we have so many things in common…

So, I’ve hardly been talking to the older one since then… He did go to my a cappella performance (but so did the younger one) and he does want to go caroling because it’s the holidays…but our communication is off. It’s really difficult for me to talk to guys I find attractive…like super attractive. This happened with my first ex…and it’s probably not gonna be the last time it happens.

I never thought I’d fall for an Asian…and here I go liking two at the same time!

One of my best friends told me that I like the younger one…but I’m lusting for the older one. Heart and mind…is this true? Stop it.

The reason I’m so hesitant to be with the one who clearly wants me more is because I’m scared. It’s all all moving so fast with the younger one, but I still want the older one. Or maybe I don’t want to hurt the younger guy…or maybe I’m scared of getting hurt again and I don’t want anything completely stable…just…physical? But…I’m still…a virgin… Maybe I just want to experience that with the older one before I’m with the younger one because I know it might lead to something more with that one? ‘Cause I know that if I fall for the younger one, it’ll be good and I don’t want to f*ck it up. But why am I still holding on to him and leading him on? I’m dumb and I know who I should really go for…but…I really do want the older one…it’s just that I communicate better with the younger one.

*le sigh* I had a feeling that the younger one was going to kiss me on our “date” around my city…because we ended it in a mall looking up at the lights holographed onto the ceiling. It was really cute and was potentially romantic…only I didn’t let it. I kept moving around so that he wouldn’t be able to. One of my other friends dared me to kiss the older one on New Years Eve…and I had been planning on it to begin with. We are going to another rave and will fall under the same substance once more. I want to kiss him… Maybe I just want to see if it’ll work with him before I “settle” for second best. I’m ridiculous… I’m such a b*tch. I’m a scared b*tch.

Currently listening to “Taking Chances” by Celine Dion…on repeat…’cause that’s how I do.

Relationships.

You were pushed back two steps…so you must take four to be ahead of the game.

Let’s do this.

Let’s pick up the pieces and reassemble.

The other day, I had a great conversation with one of my good friends about relationships and what they do to you when they end. He said that you can’t possibly work on yourself during a relationship. You must already be who you are. You must already be that change. But, if you want to change, you need to do so before any kind of commitment…or it just won’t work out. It’ll just fall apart because you were trying to find yourself and doubts and worries were just thrown into the air between you two.

I’m not saying that this is what happened to me. I wasn’t trying to change…he may have been trying. Well, whatever happened, it clearly didn’t work out…and maybe it was for the best.

Thinking back on whatever we had, was I really happy? I mean, I really was a good girlfriend (“significant other”…whatever). I was faithful, I tried to make him happy, I never asked for anything more than he could give me. Well, I guess I could’ve been more selfish my own feelings… That’s just something I’ll have to work on.

Gosh, I need to make myself happy… I need to stop trying to please others… Blahhh! I’ll work on that too.

OMG this guy is amazing! He preaches the truth! Mwahaha 😛 Watch luanlegacy’s The Best Break Up Advice Ever on YouTube.

Isn’t it funny?

So, I’m one of those girls who hasn’t done anything…ever. (Well, a little bit… :P)

It’s probably a mixture of parents, religion (what little bit there is), the fact that none of the guys I’ve gone for like me back (right away, anyway), shyness, and fear…

And yet, I’m one of those girls who just wants to get married already. I want to settle down with someone. I want my own home and a car and kids. I want to grow old with someone special.

You’d think I’d just want to date around for a while, test the waters, and see what I want in a future hubby first…but no.

It’s taken me years to get it through my head that, while people do care and talk and whatever, they will do those things anyway. I should just give it a try and if people talk…let them talk. Who cares anymore? It’s my life.

Well, I have yet to actually be in a relationship…and I’m super stoked for the day it decides to come!

Can you just make a move already?

How many times have you felt like a third wheel when your friend is trying to get with someone? Like seriously…it happened pretty much all summer. I was too chicken to say anything though…to say that it bothered me so much…to say that I felt alone while being surrounded by people I love.

It’s quite a funny story because, even though she threw herself at him practically, he seemed to not notice (or care?). Like, girl, if he isn’t responding how you want him to respond, you try something else…which is what I did last year around V-Day (but we won’t go into those details here).

Sometimes you have to be the bold one. You have to make the move. You have to ask him out.

Better that he knows than to just live life as if nothing will ever change. It CAN change if you DO SOMETHING about it. You have to put yourself out there and not be so afraid of the results/consequences. It might not go your way, but you won’t ever know that unless you try it out…maybe it’ll go just as you planned…maybe it’ll be better!

Stop holding back.

We, as women, kind of expect the men to do everything in the beginnings of a possible something…but we can’t rely on that. They are as shy and as awkward and as nervous as we are.

Ladies, here’s my advice to you all: When you think you’ve run out of options, grow a pair and make it happen yourself!

That is all.

5 Habits of Happy People!

H-A-P-P-I-N-E-S-S

How do people achieve happiness? How do you define happiness? What makes me so happy all the time?

I’m going to elaborate on a Yahoo page I read earlier… 5 habits of happy people even the biggest grump can borrow

I definitely think that people these days need to relax and just enjoy their lives more. People are always so stressed out and worrying about every little thing. What’s the point? Your life could change at any moment, so savor each second of it! When you have a more positive outlook on your life, you’ll learn to accept, learn, and thrive. Once you change your perspective, you’ll be more at peace and freer.

Reaching out – I’m definitely someone who loves interaction – whether it be through words or not. I believe that physical actions say just as much as words themselves, if not more. Friends and family are always there to help me and support me and encourage me in whatever I do. I know that I often say that I’m really independent and whatnot, but, honestly, without my friends and family I’d be nowhere right now. Lost in my own thoughts and confused about what I should do. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone. I don’t know much about romantic relationships, but I have many platonic relationships and they are fabulous. It’s so nice to joke around and laugh with them whenever I’m able to.

Be thankful – I try to pray every night, unless I forget because I’m thinking about other things or I’m just too tired to do so. I try to just thank God for all that I have… for everything that fills my life with joy… for the little things that make life worth living… for the people who surround me and love me… for the roof over my head, a warm bed, food, clothes… for everything about me (my talents, my abilities, the way I see things). They are all a part of what makes me me, so I’m thankful for everything in my life. There are too many people in other countries who can’t afford what I can afford… who can’t go to school… who are cold and hungry… who are ill and diseased… who don’t have others to help them and take care of them. When I feel like I don’t have enough or I’m sad about my life, I imagine what life would be like if I couldn’t even have what I have. I can dream and wish and it might be obtainable, whereas they can hope and wish all they want, and it probably isn’t obtainable. Why shouldn’t I be thankful for everything I have?

Live your passions – One of the best things about college is that I have found a specific area/group/department on campus which I love more than the others on campus. I have so many friends involved in the arts, especially in music. I love it! I surround myself with people who love what they do. I love to sing and make beautiful music with people who share the same interests as me. I love going to rehearsal because I have fun with my friends there. I love to dance because it’s fun, it’s exercise, and it’s something I’m fairly good at all at the same time. I catch things easier than most and it makes the physical exertion and sweat totally worth it when I see the smiles on my friends’ faces. I love performing and it’s even better when I like practicing and when I know everyone I’m performing with. I often wake up wishing that I can become a better singer, dancer, and performer. It’s what I love to do and it’s what I love filling my life with. I’ve found my niche and it’s so wonderful!

Make do – Until I got to college, never have I ever loved shopping. I just didn’t feel like I needed anything. I was complete. I was very happy about my life and what I had. I didn’t want my mom to spend anything on me. It wasn’t necessary for my happiness because I had enough. I wore what I had and, although I’d get tired of it, I was fine with it. I have an older sister and sometimes she’d give me her old stuff. That was fine too. I didn’t need new, shiny things to be happy. Not that I need them now, but I do enjoy shopping now because I’m more comfortable with my body shape. Oh, that’s probably one of the reasons why I didn’t exactly enjoy shopping. I was unsure of my body and wasn’t fully confident in it. I know better now and I’ve come to accept what I look like. =]

Enjoy the simple pleasures – Okay, I have an entire blog post on this (https://rachellaenchantd.wordpress.com/2010/01/06/the-tiniest-of-things-are-the-best/). The simplest things are the most abundant in our lives. They are the things that happen most often. They make life beautiful! Seeing a smile from a stranger, hearing a baby’s laugh, eating a piece of chocolate, hugging someone, completing a homework assignment (sorry I had to throw this in there), getting a comment on a picture on Facebook (this too), seeing your hair fall exactly the way you want it to… These tiny things are what get us through our days. They help us realize (when we want to) that we don’t need huge and expensive things to live full lives. We can genuinely be happy because happiness brought about by those huge, expensive things is fake happiness that only comes around when we buy. That isn’t true or real happiness. Happiness can be captured in the tiniest of things!

Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” ~Abraham Lincoln

Pictures I’ve taken of the tiniest things that make me happiest:

☮ ♥ ♫