Should I just not try?

I keep saying to myself that I want a relationship…that I want that cute couple-y shit…but that’s just not true.

In reality, I think I just want someone to hold and I want someone to hold me. I want someone to kiss, I want someone to hug tightly, I want someone to do romantic things for me. After all… I am a hopeless romantic…one who believes in love and lovely things.

I’ve realized that that is all I want though… All the drama and frustrating moments just don’t seem worth it. I’ve now had my first experience of truly breaking down from realizing that a guy I really liked didn’t want me anymore…and it really got me thinking and debating if I really want all of it over again.

I started to ponder what would happen if I gave my all to someone…and we were madly in love…and then they were taken from me suddenly…like in an accident or something. All of those unresolved feelings and wild emotions… I don’t know if I want to go through with heartache like that.

So what now? Should I just not try?

Maybe the right person hasn’t come along yet and I will be ready when it happens?

We’ll see about that.

For now, I’m not expecting or hoping for anything anymore…

Nostalgic

I guess listening to love songs doesn’t really help…but I just can’t help myself. I love singing them! I have a playlist dedicated to cute little romantic songs…it’s called “In Like With You” and I stole that name from the game website “OMGPOP.” I’m a dork. Anyway, I’m such a hopeless romantic… I don’t even know how because I haven’t exactly had a lot of experience in the “love” department. But, I’m such a sucker for romantic movies and romantic songs and romantic gestures… It’s just so lovely, for lack of a better word.

I bet you’re wondering how this relates to nostalgia. Well, listening to all these love songs brings me back to my high school days. My favorite chemistry teacher in junior year of high school made everyone in class mixed CDs this one time and the song “Gotta Have You” by Friday was on it. He then went on and showed us all a slide show of his wedding and this song was playing. It was adorable and I really miss that class. Man, growing up is tough. You experience things and then later realize that what you had was really good. I actually never doubted if he was my favorite chemistry teacher and if that was one of my favorite classes ever… I knew right on the first day when he proudly said my name as I walked through the door. He didn’t even know me but decided to memorize everyone’s name so that he could be the cool teacher and know everyone before school started, unlike most teachers who take 3-4 weeks to memorize everyone’s name. Paired with this particular memory of my teacher is also the memory of senior retreat. He was one of the chaperones and those 2 1/2 days at Bishop’s Ranch were fabulous!!! So many fond memories and new friends made. Yes, I made friends during the last few months of high school. Oh, how I miss the old days…

Ahh, a new song just popped on… “Over the Rainbow” by Shawn McDonald (live version). This reminds me of my younger cousin’s lyrical dance during a Paula Morgan dance intensive in the summer of 2008. It was such a beautiful and meaningful dance and I cried. My mom, my sister, another aunt, and my best friend who also attended the last “hurrah” of the half-a-week-long intensive also cried. It wasn’t like an “OMG” sob, it was more of a “that is so beautiful and significant” soft cry. It was head turning. Her mom (my aunt) was enervating from cancer. I cried because I thought of her and how proud she must be of her daughter. I was so proud of my cousin for having the strength to dance with so much passion and purpose when her mom was sitting in the audience. It really takes a lot for a person to do something for another person, to dedicate something. I really felt like that dance was dedicated to her mom…

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
I heard once, oh I heard it once in a lulla, a lullaby
And somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue
And those of you who dare to dream, your dreams really can come true

Someday I’ll wish upon a star
I’d wake up where the clouds are far behind me, are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemondrops
Way up above the chimney tops
Is where you’ll find me, it’s where you’ll find me
Someday I’ll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me, far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemondrops
Way up above the chimney tops
Is where you’ll find me, it’s where you’ll find me

And somewhere over the rainbow
Little bluebirds fly
Little blue birds fly over the rainbow
So why, oh why can’t I?
And somewhere over the rainbow
Little bluebirds, they fly
Little blue birds fly over the rainbow
So why, oh why can’t I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Way up above the big blue sky
Why can’t I?

…even the lyrics were for her. My aunt passed away, but her memory will live on forever in my heart. She introduced me to Paula Morgan and those few summers that I attended her dance intensives just deepened my love for dancing.

Oh, memories…