Should I just not try?

I keep saying to myself that I want a relationship…that I want that cute couple-y shit…but that’s just not true.

In reality, I think I just want someone to hold and I want someone to hold me. I want someone to kiss, I want someone to hug tightly, I want someone to do romantic things for me. After all… I am a hopeless romantic…one who believes in love and lovely things.

I’ve realized that that is all I want though… All the drama and frustrating moments just don’t seem worth it. I’ve now had my first experience of truly breaking down from realizing that a guy I really liked didn’t want me anymore…and it really got me thinking and debating if I really want all of it over again.

I started to ponder what would happen if I gave my all to someone…and we were madly in love…and then they were taken from me suddenly…like in an accident or something. All of those unresolved feelings and wild emotions… I don’t know if I want to go through with heartache like that.

So what now? Should I just not try?

Maybe the right person hasn’t come along yet and I will be ready when it happens?

We’ll see about that.

For now, I’m not expecting or hoping for anything anymore…


Happiness & Past Experiences

I just finished watching the movie Funny People with Adam Sandler and Seth Rogen (to just name some of the famous actors) and one of the questions that struck me was “What does it mean to be happy?”

So, what does it mean to be happy?

Happiness to me is doing what I love with the people I love. There isn’t really anything to it. Simple. Simple actions for simple pleasures.

But can anything be so simple? Not really.

I used to think that happiness came when everything in your life was perfect. But, seriously, is anything ever perfect? Does perfection even exist? Nothing ever goes as planned, so we just have to accept it and move on. Nothing lasts, so enjoy every minute of that ephemeral happiness and peace. We can all achieve it sometimes if we try hard enough, work hard enough, put all of our efforts into it. We must try our best and not hold anything back or regret soon follows. We must live how we want to live so that we can achieve our piece of happiness. We must find those simple pleasures that, at the end of the day, give us something to look forward to for the days to come. We must live with our emotions strewn out for all of the world to see.

The song that’s playing repeatedly in my iTunes right now is “Heart On My Sleeve” by Michael Johns, a contestant of American Idol. I love this song… It’s so real, so emotional… It’s what we should all do. Even though it’s clearly a love song, I believe in the words. There are always those feelings that hold us back and don’t allow us to live how we want to live. Yet, there are those feelings that we just want everyone to know. It’s difficult, it really is… I find it very difficult to let my emotions out sometimes (people who know me know this for a fact) because I’m afraid to be too transparent. There are a few things that I don’t think people want to hear sometimes and I’m afraid how they’ll act once they know. I guess that’s why I almost always have a smile on my face…

Sometimes I find it strange that I would be a happy person. So much has happened in my life. So much bad stuff… So much sadness… So many things to make a person not enjoy life… So many reasons to turn away from the world.

But I continue to live… I continue to grow… I continue to find simple pleasures that bring me bits and pieces of happiness that help me live on.

I guess this just means that I’m stronger every day that I live. I’m stronger than most who live not knowing the pain and sadness that I’ve experienced. A friend once said that because of my past experiences, I see life through eyes not held back by tears and pain anymore. Everything that happens in my life now just seems so not worth it to be stressed out over. The amount of sadness and stress that I experience nowadays just doesn’t match the amount I’ve experienced before. I’ve become a stronger person because of what I’ve gone through. I’m experienced in this area of emotions, but I need to get out of my shell and experience other emotions. Words of wisdom…

I have so much more to learn and grow from. So many new things happened this past summer that have made me think and feel a lot differently about life and how I’ve been living. I have many regrets from years ago and I still need to grow from them and act accordingly.

Wow, this is such a thinker post. So many ideas thrown about… I need answers. I need a hug.