Here’s something potentially amazing…but…once again… I’m a scared b*tch.

I haven’t felt like this in…hmm…I guess forever.

I’m so torn between two potentially amazing guys.

On one hand there’s the one I wanted first. He’s older, nice, tall, very handsome, very built…pretty much my ideal type of guy. I met him at my friend’s birthday dinner a few months ago. Then we all went to a rave together a couple weeks after that and it was so much fun. Towards the end of the night I wanted to dance with him. I told my friend and she talked to him (or maybe told him that I liked him) and he agreed to dance with me. I ended up taking his shirt off because…well…who wouldn’t want to. The guy is beautiful! Well, it was later when I found out that one of my other girl friends liked him too…and liked him before I liked him. So then I backed off for a while. Our group then went to another rave a month later and a few of my other girl friends found other random guys to…*le sigh*…make-out with. So I was just enjoying my night and spending some amazing hours with random hotties. But, at the end of the night when everyone was leaving, I was wondering why my hottie man and the friend that liked him first weren’t holding hands or standing near each other. So I went in. I took him by the hand and soon after that he wrapped his big arms around me and held me. We chatted a little bit, but we were mainly just enjoying embracing each other. (Plus, we were coming down from a certain substance.) When our groups split up because we parked in different lots, he kept holding onto me and wanted me to go with them… I wanted to, but I couldn’t because I went with my other girls. Besties before testes, ya know? ;D

Then, on the other hand, there’s this other guy that I communicate really well with… He’s younger, sweet, tall, cute…dresses well for his age…hipster some might say…and I’m not sure I would’ve ever thought I’d go for this type of guy. I met him at the airport because our flight back to school was delayed. Cute, right? Yeah, all my friends thought it was destiny and that we’d get married and blah blah blah. Our story started at the airport and we talked all throughout the plane ride and annoyed this older guy who kept turning around, looking at us, and turning back around to shake his head…literally every 5 minutes. We didn’t care one bit. We just kept talking, laughing, and giggling at how much we had in common. It was ridiculous how much we had in common!!! We talked about anything and everything! Then, I figured out that our ride to campus was somehow the same person! What?! That never happens in real life…only in movies. I’ve never talked for so long to a complete stranger before (he also agreed…I asked him a few days ago). Later that week I had a performance with my a cappella group and he wanted to get lunch. He bought our sandwiches and we sat and ate and talked some more. I figured out later that all that talking is what f*cked my voice over for the performance later that night haha. Anyway, a couple weeks later, when we were supposed to be studying for finals, we both couldn’t and we agreed to just walk to a middle point between our apartments and then say goodbye. We ended walking around our apartment complexes for a good 2 hours…after midnight…in the cold night…and then talked for another half hour in my apartment. Since we kind of live near each other (about an hour away if driving) we decided to hang out over Christmas break. We spent a good 8 hours together just exploring my city and being all touristy. My voice hurt so much after this because when we get together…we talk…a lot. We text a lot too when we’re not with each other. *le sigh* We met at the airport, we were both on the same delayed flight, we had the same ride, we go to the same school, we can talk for hours…we have so many things in common…

So, I’ve hardly been talking to the older one since then… He did go to my a cappella performance (but so did the younger one) and he does want to go caroling because it’s the holidays…but our communication is off. It’s really difficult for me to talk to guys I find attractive…like super attractive. This happened with my first ex…and it’s probably not gonna be the last time it happens.

I never thought I’d fall for an Asian…and here I go liking two at the same time!

One of my best friends told me that I like the younger one…but I’m lusting for the older one. Heart and mind…is this true? Stop it.

The reason I’m so hesitant to be with the one who clearly wants me more is because I’m scared. It’s all all moving so fast with the younger one, but I still want the older one. Or maybe I don’t want to hurt the younger guy…or maybe I’m scared of getting hurt again and I don’t want anything completely stable…just…physical? But…I’m still…a virgin… Maybe I just want to experience that with the older one before I’m with the younger one because I know it might lead to something more with that one? ‘Cause I know that if I fall for the younger one, it’ll be good and I don’t want to f*ck it up. But why am I still holding on to him and leading him on? I’m dumb and I know who I should really go for…but…I really do want the older one…it’s just that I communicate better with the younger one.

*le sigh* I had a feeling that the younger one was going to kiss me on our “date” around my city…because we ended it in a mall looking up at the lights holographed onto the ceiling. It was really cute and was potentially romantic…only I didn’t let it. I kept moving around so that he wouldn’t be able to. One of my other friends dared me to kiss the older one on New Years Eve…and I had been planning on it to begin with. We are going to another rave and will fall under the same substance once more. I want to kiss him… Maybe I just want to see if it’ll work with him before I “settle” for second best. I’m ridiculous… I’m such a b*tch. I’m a scared b*tch.

Currently listening to “Taking Chances” by Celine Dion…on repeat…’cause that’s how I do.

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Forgetting.

It may seem like the hardest thing in the world…but sometimes you have to forget about the people who forget about you.

Like high school friends…you just have to let go of the bad ones because they drag you down. If they don’t make an effort to keep you in their lives, drop ’em.

Like exes…you need to “forgive and forget” or you can’t move on. No matter how hard I try with some people, I just can’t lose that one little bit that remains and haunts and angers. Grudges. WTF? Why am I the one that holds them?

Like activities? When you try multiple times and it still doesn’t work out…I guess that means that it’s time to let go of that desire…that hope…that goal.

It just sucks when you HAVE to see those people all the time because of various clubs and stuff that you are in together. Ugh…sometimes I just want to quit everything and start anew somewhere else…somewhere that’s not here…here where I have to see people I don’t like anymore.

Where’s the commitment?!

I just don’t see anyone with as much commitment as me in a few of the groups I’m involved in. Most of the time now I just think to myself… “What if I wasn’t in this group anymore?! What would happen? Would it fall apart?!” ‘Cause it really feels like I’m the glue… I’m the one holding it together. I’m the one making sure everyone’s doing their duties. I’m the one keeping everyone in check.

I can’t afford to slack off. I can’t afford to miss or skip like the others do. I’m crucial.

Well, what the f*ck. Why should I put in THIS MUCH EFFING EFFORT if no one matches it?! What good does that do me? I just stress myself the f*ck out and take on more tasks because no one gives a sh*t anymore. Where the f*ck is the commitment?!

Make up your mind…

Gosh, the most annoying thing in the world is when someone plays the two-faced jerk…

If you dislike someone, you shouldn’t necessarily act nice to them in person just because it’s in public. You don’t even have to look at them.

So stop being so f*cking nice to them!

If you like them, then why the hell did you say you hated them?!

I don’t f*cking understand why some people just hide what they’re feeling. Stop! Stop caring about what they think.

…maybe that’s just me holding grudges as usual.

My house doesn’t exactly feel like a home right now…

I can’t even believe that I WANTED to come home in the first place. I knew this would happen…I knew it.

I wanted to come home because of finals week…the stupid, stressful week of realizing that you’ve chosen the wrong major yet again and your life probably isn’t leading to anywhere good. Well, I wanted to go home because I wanted summer. I wanted to see my mom and hug her. I wanted to do nothing but play piano, watch movies, and read books…tons of books. I wanted a break.

How am I welcomed home? (Is that a verb? F*ck it.) By hearing implied insults all day, every day. I look too chubby, I look a bit overweight, I look plump. Really? REALLY?! You don’t even think to ask if I’m happy?! Does my happiness even matter to you?! WTF? See this…this is why I can finally understand why my sister always seeks approval…acceptance…ANY sort of feeling liked at all. This is why we’re so g*ddamn f*cked up. You’ve done this to us.

I feel attacked…and it’s like my mom and brother are a team working against my sister and I…to make us feel lowly…to make us feel like sh*t. You have no idea what it feels like. I come home to this?!

I guess you could say that we could CHOOSE to ignore all of this…EVERYTHING. But when you hear it constantly…and it keeps gnawing at your soul…you slowly begin to wither and decay and rot…like all those stupid words they use. You begin to believe it all…no matter how hard to try to fight it. You just give in…forfeit…surrender yourself… You start to see the world differently…like it’s a place of hatred. Your hope dwindling until it can only hold on by a thread.

Are you really this confused as to know what REAL BEAUTY truly is?! Do you see what the media has done to all of us?! The media has the power to tug at our very beings…until the world is how they want it. That’s what’s really sad about this society.

Beauty many, many years ago was a painting of a woman with curves. She was healthy. She was considered desirable. Everyone wanted to be like that. NOW look at our society…skin and bones. What the hell? That is not healthy, nor beautiful.

Why don’t you think before you speak next time…

[This was actually quite a good blog post. I’m happy with it…even though it unfortunately speaks the truth.]