The last blog about romantic sh*t…

I’m so done. Done with all of this crap. Done with thinking anything could’ve been different. Done with feeling this way.

It’s funny how a person could affect you so greatly… You never really realize it until you find yourself looking for them in places where you shared happiness and memories with them. Ugh, this one swing dance venue in Irvine will never be the same without him there. It’s so weird not having him there. I always look toward the door…because maybe, JUST MAYBE, he’ll come waltzing through the doorway. He never really seemed too into it though. It was a cute attempt at trying to do something I love doing…but you messed it up for me. Well, just this one venue…so no worries. I have plenty of others to go to.

You want to know the real sucky thing about my whole situation? The very first week we were together was the most amazing week ever. Over the weekend we had a performance at PSICA and, all throughout it, we were holding hands and cuddling as much as we could without it being weird in a chapel. He even asked one of my good friends how long it’d be until I stopped ‘flirting incessantly’…and her response was 3 months…and then it’d lessen slightly. That means he actually thought we were going to be together ’til June. What the hell happened?!

THEN, one of my friends knew the situation and knew that he was going to end it. I can’t believe that she acted as if everything was peachy. How about a little heads up? There is a girl code…isn’t there?! Whatever. If he wanted to fix it, he could’ve…but he just gave up…just stopped caring…just got boring. I mean, did I just not see that he was trying to fix it? What was going through your head?!

F*ck it. He was the one to let go…so you know what? His loss.

This romance sh*t is really getting me down and I’m so tired of feeling this way. I can’t even imagine what it’d be like if it had actually been a serious relationship. Like seriously…this is sh*t. I hate feeling this way and I don’t know why I let it get to me so much. It’s honestly quite stupid. I don’t know why I kept caring afterward either. “Oh, you’re done with me? Okay… I’ll move on too. Next!” THAT is what I should’ve said. But no… I let it get the best of me and I let it bury me under all of these depressing and pessimistic emotions. WTH? I am NOT that kind of person. I should know better. It was just a learning experience; one that I had to go through to become a stronger woman. That’s all.

You know what? At the end of the day, I’m the kind of person who would take an inspirational quote over a romantic one any day. That’s gotta say a lot about my character right? I would rather hear beautiful words about life and living and the simple things we encounter every day over cheesy phrases that all girls think are just adorably amorous, but, in reality, are just phrases that guys remember off of Hallmark cards and advertisements from jewelers. haHA! Yeah, I caught you.

I was so much happier before I was even in that “relationship” anyway. Why would I want to go back to it?! I’m just dumb and being a girl I guess. I’m done now. Living life to the fullest once more! Let’s go! 🙂

Currently listening to “Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield.

What is your problem?!

I’m so tired of people dissing my a cappella group.

You don’t think before you speak to me, do you? You don’t realize that I am IN THAT A CAPPELLA GROUP, do you?

I don’t want you to lie…but there are other ways of telling the truth. If you’re my “friend,” then you would find those other ways. Seriously. I don’t want to hear your sh** if you’re just going to talk bad about everything we do.

We’re all girls…so what?! We smile more than you. We have more fun. We are sweeter than you. We have strong female soloists. What do you have? Basses?

We may not have amazing basses…but we work with what we’ve got. We make good music WITHOUT MEN. Yeah, I just said that.

We don’t need your approval. We don’t need you to tell us what we can and cannot do. Oh, we know…but we honestly don’t care.

We’re not competitive. How many times do I need to say this?!

We may not be the best…we’re not trying to be better than you…we just want to make music.

So what the hell is your problem?!

Currently listening to “Impossible” by Shontelle.

Favorite old quotes!

ZOMG I found a bunch of old quotes that I used to have up in my room freshman year of college… Here are three:

“We dance for laughter,
we dance for tears,
we dance for madness,
we dance for fears,
we dance for hopes,
we dance for screams…
We are the dancers…
We create the dreams.”

“We are all of us stars…and we deserve to twinkle!”
~ Marilyn Monroe

“Take time to laugh…it is the music of the soul.”

Currently listening to Sara Bareilles’s “Kaleidoscope Heart”

Here’s a quote from Tumblr that I wanted to re-blog, but there were typos and it bothered me to much.

“She thinks about you non-stop, and you’re all she talks about. When she talks to you, she always has that bright smile and truly looks happy. With one hug, you make her melt and always leave her with butterflies…and, at the same time, when she’s upset, you’re usually the reason. But she refuses to see any flaws in you. And no matter how many people try to tell her different, she believes you’re perfect for her and worth every second of the wait. And she’s too scared to tell you any of this because she doesn’t want to mess anything up…and doesn’t want to end up hurt, once more.”

Currently listening to Adele’s “Set Fire to the Rain”

Bored with life.

The only thing that I’m actually ever excited for nowadays is my a cappella group, Clair de Lune. They are my babies now. I take care of them and I feel like such a mom to them. I like it a lot. I like feeling important and in charge. I like knowing that they look up to me. I like the feeling I get when I see the girls are happy because we are actually making music together. I can’t wait for next year when my good friend are I are truly the co-presidents of the group!

Okay…on to not-so-happy stuff…

About an hour ago, I went to class…only to not go to class. I was late anyway, and my good friend who is in the class with me wasn’t going to go. I got to the door and heard some strange voice coming from the classroom. “Was there a guest speaker today?” I couldn’t remember…but wait… I couldn’t remember because I hadn’t gone to the class last week. It’s so bland. The teacher isn’t interesting. The topic is pretty interesting to me…but, if the teacher isn’t great and it’s not a topic I absolutely love, the class is going to be boring. That’s just how it works.

I honestly don’t know what happened to me. I’m drained of motivation. I’m living such a lackluster life right now. Nothing gets me up in the morning. Nothing gets me out of the apartment. Nothing makes me hurry. I feel so dull and uninspired and I haven’t even gone to work out in like a week. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way before and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life. I don’t know where I’m going at all. I can’t see myself working as someone my mom wants me to be. The only reason why I say this is because I keep asking her and she’s trying to help me since I don’t know what to do with my life. Have you ever felt this way? So…lost and uninspired? It’s terrible. I don’t know who to ask and I don’t want to bother my friends with my problems because they are happy with their lives right now. I don’t want to spoil anything for them. I know they are my friends and they will help if I reach out to them, but I don’t want to drag them down. I don’t want to hold them back when they are rapidly moving forward. I’m stuck. Questions just keep flooding my mind and I’m going to overflow soon…

I want to know why I can’t move on from what happened years ago. I keep coming back to this scary place of memory and tears. I’m running low on faith and I want to know how I became this way. I wasn’t always like this. I was happy. I was hopeful. I was carefree. I prayed every night…and when nothing happened…I lost it. It was coming back slowly…and then recent events just killed it again.

I want to know why bad things happen to good people…and why good people die first. I know that I always told myself (and even my mom) that God just wants good people near Him so he takes away the good people from Earth. It was their time to go to Heaven and they were ready to move on. They completed what they were supposed to do on Earth and they were able to leave. I still want to try to believe this…but it’s so difficult.

I want to know what happens next. What happens now that I’ve chosen a dumb major? What will happen with my life?

What happens now that I’m single? What if I keep being reminded every time I hear him sing? What do I do to move on? How does one get closure? I can’t stop thinking about what I’ve been feeling lately…so many mixed emotions…so many similarly negative responses to my optimistic comments. What happened? How did I get here? I feel…numb. I don’t understand why I keep going back… I need to talk to him, but talking to him will make me want him. I can’t not talk to him either…because that just doesn’t work for me. I talked to someone who knew him and they told me that most (if not all) of the girls he’s been with have this problem…not letting go of him. Why is that? Why is it so difficult? Why are you any different? I don’t understand…

Can someone help? Solve my problems…and let’s just get on with life.

Please…someone…rejuvenate me…soon.

Currently crying and listening to “Neverends” by Vijay Kishore, “Sparks” by Coldplay, “How to Save a Life” by The Fray, “How Could An Angel Break My Heart” by Toni Braxton, “Through the Rain” by Mariah Carey, “Keep Breathing” by Ingrid Michaelson, “Jesus Take the Wheel” by Carrie Underwood, and “Gotten” by Adam Levine and Slash.

Could it be…?

…fluttering wings in my stomach again.

They were the result of listening to his arrangement being sung live.

What does it mean?

I thought it was done. I thought I was done.

Why are these feelings coming back all of a sudden?

I want to be over it all. I want to move on already.

I started to realize just in this past week that he was right. I can do so much better. He never did half the things my other friends’ S.O.s do for them anyway.

I don’t need any of it. I was happier without all of it anyway, so why would I want to change that when things were going so well?

Ugh, look at me now…confused…longing…living in a bittersweet torment from constantly being surrounded by cuteness and romanticism.

Why am I even feeling these emotions still? “…because he was the first person you really cared about like ‘that,'” says one of my good friends. Well, when does this feeling end? ‘Cause it sucks…

Does he even feel the same way? Does he think of me as much as I think of him? Does he even still have feelings for me??? …probably not.

He did say that he didn’t want me to like him anymore. Oh gosh…well, he’s really upping his standoffish behavior. Does he really think that’s going to work? …’cause it just makes me miss him that much more. It just makes me wonder why he’s being so weird and awkward.

=/

…but…every once in a while…a stare that lasts too long…a glance that is accidentally caught…a hug that lasts for more time than it should…

These dumb lingering feelings…

No. I need to stop.

Currently listening to “Set Fire to the Rain” by the amazing Adele. The lyrics speak to me so much right now… So much so, that I had to arrange it for my a cappella group. After all, I had inspiration…him.

I wonder if he’s figured that out yet…