Should I just not try?

I keep saying to myself that I want a relationship…that I want that cute couple-y shit…but that’s just not true.

In reality, I think I just want someone to hold and I want someone to hold me. I want someone to kiss, I want someone to hug tightly, I want someone to do romantic things for me. After all… I am a hopeless romantic…one who believes in love and lovely things.

I’ve realized that that is all I want though… All the drama and frustrating moments just don’t seem worth it. I’ve now had my first experience of truly breaking down from realizing that a guy I really liked didn’t want me anymore…and it really got me thinking and debating if I really want all of it over again.

I started to ponder what would happen if I gave my all to someone…and we were madly in love…and then they were taken from me suddenly…like in an accident or something. All of those unresolved feelings and wild emotions… I don’t know if I want to go through with heartache like that.

So what now? Should I just not try?

Maybe the right person hasn’t come along yet and I will be ready when it happens?

We’ll see about that.

For now, I’m not expecting or hoping for anything anymore…

Things people don’t want to hear…

“He’s not good enough for you…”

Cool. So all of a sudden I have no taste in guys and I’m bound to pick the wrong one each time, right?

Well, that’s no fun.

I was under the impression that dating was supposed to be about having fun with and getting to know someone so that you can figure out what you like in the person that you will spend he rest of your life with.

No one wants to hear that they chose the wrong kind of guy…again.

What does that tell me? I’m bound to have a terrible love life and I will never be happy because my family will never approve of the guys i “bring” home. I say “bring”‘in quotations because I’ve never actually brought a guy home yet…for fear that my mom will question the hell out of him.

So what… Now YOU can decide who is best for me? When will I ever get to choose what I think is right for me??? This is what I should be telling myself instead of giving in…

But, because I was already in the mentality of “oh, I can’t possibly bring THIS one home. My family won’t like him,” I guess that doomed this relationship from the start.

I love my family, but…they can be so racist at times. The only thing my grandma and my mom ever bring up is the fact that the last few guys I’ve dated weren’t Asian. No, in fact, hey were Mexican. I don’t see what the big problem is with this, but my family insists that traditions will be broken because other races have different values. I know that. But maybe you should meet the guy…and THEN judge him all you’d like. You don’t even give them a chance!

Here’s something potentially amazing…but…once again… I’m a scared b*tch.

I haven’t felt like this in…hmm…I guess forever.

I’m so torn between two potentially amazing guys.

On one hand there’s the one I wanted first. He’s older, nice, tall, very handsome, very built…pretty much my ideal type of guy. I met him at my friend’s birthday dinner a few months ago. Then we all went to a rave together a couple weeks after that and it was so much fun. Towards the end of the night I wanted to dance with him. I told my friend and she talked to him (or maybe told him that I liked him) and he agreed to dance with me. I ended up taking his shirt off because…well…who wouldn’t want to. The guy is beautiful! Well, it was later when I found out that one of my other girl friends liked him too…and liked him before I liked him. So then I backed off for a while. Our group then went to another rave a month later and a few of my other girl friends found other random guys to…*le sigh*…make-out with. So I was just enjoying my night and spending some amazing hours with random hotties. But, at the end of the night when everyone was leaving, I was wondering why my hottie man and the friend that liked him first weren’t holding hands or standing near each other. So I went in. I took him by the hand and soon after that he wrapped his big arms around me and held me. We chatted a little bit, but we were mainly just enjoying embracing each other. (Plus, we were coming down from a certain substance.) When our groups split up because we parked in different lots, he kept holding onto me and wanted me to go with them… I wanted to, but I couldn’t because I went with my other girls. Besties before testes, ya know? ;D

Then, on the other hand, there’s this other guy that I communicate really well with… He’s younger, sweet, tall, cute…dresses well for his age…hipster some might say…and I’m not sure I would’ve ever thought I’d go for this type of guy. I met him at the airport because our flight back to school was delayed. Cute, right? Yeah, all my friends thought it was destiny and that we’d get married and blah blah blah. Our story started at the airport and we talked all throughout the plane ride and annoyed this older guy who kept turning around, looking at us, and turning back around to shake his head…literally every 5 minutes. We didn’t care one bit. We just kept talking, laughing, and giggling at how much we had in common. It was ridiculous how much we had in common!!! We talked about anything and everything! Then, I figured out that our ride to campus was somehow the same person! What?! That never happens in real life…only in movies. I’ve never talked for so long to a complete stranger before (he also agreed…I asked him a few days ago). Later that week I had a performance with my a cappella group and he wanted to get lunch. He bought our sandwiches and we sat and ate and talked some more. I figured out later that all that talking is what f*cked my voice over for the performance later that night haha. Anyway, a couple weeks later, when we were supposed to be studying for finals, we both couldn’t and we agreed to just walk to a middle point between our apartments and then say goodbye. We ended walking around our apartment complexes for a good 2 hours…after midnight…in the cold night…and then talked for another half hour in my apartment. Since we kind of live near each other (about an hour away if driving) we decided to hang out over Christmas break. We spent a good 8 hours together just exploring my city and being all touristy. My voice hurt so much after this because when we get together…we talk…a lot. We text a lot too when we’re not with each other. *le sigh* We met at the airport, we were both on the same delayed flight, we had the same ride, we go to the same school, we can talk for hours…we have so many things in common…

So, I’ve hardly been talking to the older one since then… He did go to my a cappella performance (but so did the younger one) and he does want to go caroling because it’s the holidays…but our communication is off. It’s really difficult for me to talk to guys I find attractive…like super attractive. This happened with my first ex…and it’s probably not gonna be the last time it happens.

I never thought I’d fall for an Asian…and here I go liking two at the same time!

One of my best friends told me that I like the younger one…but I’m lusting for the older one. Heart and mind…is this true? Stop it.

The reason I’m so hesitant to be with the one who clearly wants me more is because I’m scared. It’s all all moving so fast with the younger one, but I still want the older one. Or maybe I don’t want to hurt the younger guy…or maybe I’m scared of getting hurt again and I don’t want anything completely stable…just…physical? But…I’m still…a virgin… Maybe I just want to experience that with the older one before I’m with the younger one because I know it might lead to something more with that one? ‘Cause I know that if I fall for the younger one, it’ll be good and I don’t want to f*ck it up. But why am I still holding on to him and leading him on? I’m dumb and I know who I should really go for…but…I really do want the older one…it’s just that I communicate better with the younger one.

*le sigh* I had a feeling that the younger one was going to kiss me on our “date” around my city…because we ended it in a mall looking up at the lights holographed onto the ceiling. It was really cute and was potentially romantic…only I didn’t let it. I kept moving around so that he wouldn’t be able to. One of my other friends dared me to kiss the older one on New Years Eve…and I had been planning on it to begin with. We are going to another rave and will fall under the same substance once more. I want to kiss him… Maybe I just want to see if it’ll work with him before I “settle” for second best. I’m ridiculous… I’m such a b*tch. I’m a scared b*tch.

Currently listening to “Taking Chances” by Celine Dion…on repeat…’cause that’s how I do.

The last blog about romantic sh*t…

I’m so done. Done with all of this crap. Done with thinking anything could’ve been different. Done with feeling this way.

It’s funny how a person could affect you so greatly… You never really realize it until you find yourself looking for them in places where you shared happiness and memories with them. Ugh, this one swing dance venue in Irvine will never be the same without him there. It’s so weird not having him there. I always look toward the door…because maybe, JUST MAYBE, he’ll come waltzing through the doorway. He never really seemed too into it though. It was a cute attempt at trying to do something I love doing…but you messed it up for me. Well, just this one venue…so no worries. I have plenty of others to go to.

You want to know the real sucky thing about my whole situation? The very first week we were together was the most amazing week ever. Over the weekend we had a performance at PSICA and, all throughout it, we were holding hands and cuddling as much as we could without it being weird in a chapel. He even asked one of my good friends how long it’d be until I stopped ‘flirting incessantly’…and her response was 3 months…and then it’d lessen slightly. That means he actually thought we were going to be together ’til June. What the hell happened?!

THEN, one of my friends knew the situation and knew that he was going to end it. I can’t believe that she acted as if everything was peachy. How about a little heads up? There is a girl code…isn’t there?! Whatever. If he wanted to fix it, he could’ve…but he just gave up…just stopped caring…just got boring. I mean, did I just not see that he was trying to fix it? What was going through your head?!

F*ck it. He was the one to let go…so you know what? His loss.

This romance sh*t is really getting me down and I’m so tired of feeling this way. I can’t even imagine what it’d be like if it had actually been a serious relationship. Like seriously…this is sh*t. I hate feeling this way and I don’t know why I let it get to me so much. It’s honestly quite stupid. I don’t know why I kept caring afterward either. “Oh, you’re done with me? Okay… I’ll move on too. Next!” THAT is what I should’ve said. But no… I let it get the best of me and I let it bury me under all of these depressing and pessimistic emotions. WTH? I am NOT that kind of person. I should know better. It was just a learning experience; one that I had to go through to become a stronger woman. That’s all.

You know what? At the end of the day, I’m the kind of person who would take an inspirational quote over a romantic one any day. That’s gotta say a lot about my character right? I would rather hear beautiful words about life and living and the simple things we encounter every day over cheesy phrases that all girls think are just adorably amorous, but, in reality, are just phrases that guys remember off of Hallmark cards and advertisements from jewelers. haHA! Yeah, I caught you.

I was so much happier before I was even in that “relationship” anyway. Why would I want to go back to it?! I’m just dumb and being a girl I guess. I’m done now. Living life to the fullest once more! Let’s go! 🙂

Currently listening to “Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield.

Here’s a quote from Tumblr that I wanted to re-blog, but there were typos and it bothered me to much.

“She thinks about you non-stop, and you’re all she talks about. When she talks to you, she always has that bright smile and truly looks happy. With one hug, you make her melt and always leave her with butterflies…and, at the same time, when she’s upset, you’re usually the reason. But she refuses to see any flaws in you. And no matter how many people try to tell her different, she believes you’re perfect for her and worth every second of the wait. And she’s too scared to tell you any of this because she doesn’t want to mess anything up…and doesn’t want to end up hurt, once more.”

Currently listening to Adele’s “Set Fire to the Rain”

Bored with life.

The only thing that I’m actually ever excited for nowadays is my a cappella group, Clair de Lune. They are my babies now. I take care of them and I feel like such a mom to them. I like it a lot. I like feeling important and in charge. I like knowing that they look up to me. I like the feeling I get when I see the girls are happy because we are actually making music together. I can’t wait for next year when my good friend are I are truly the co-presidents of the group!

Okay…on to not-so-happy stuff…

About an hour ago, I went to class…only to not go to class. I was late anyway, and my good friend who is in the class with me wasn’t going to go. I got to the door and heard some strange voice coming from the classroom. “Was there a guest speaker today?” I couldn’t remember…but wait… I couldn’t remember because I hadn’t gone to the class last week. It’s so bland. The teacher isn’t interesting. The topic is pretty interesting to me…but, if the teacher isn’t great and it’s not a topic I absolutely love, the class is going to be boring. That’s just how it works.

I honestly don’t know what happened to me. I’m drained of motivation. I’m living such a lackluster life right now. Nothing gets me up in the morning. Nothing gets me out of the apartment. Nothing makes me hurry. I feel so dull and uninspired and I haven’t even gone to work out in like a week. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way before and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life. I don’t know where I’m going at all. I can’t see myself working as someone my mom wants me to be. The only reason why I say this is because I keep asking her and she’s trying to help me since I don’t know what to do with my life. Have you ever felt this way? So…lost and uninspired? It’s terrible. I don’t know who to ask and I don’t want to bother my friends with my problems because they are happy with their lives right now. I don’t want to spoil anything for them. I know they are my friends and they will help if I reach out to them, but I don’t want to drag them down. I don’t want to hold them back when they are rapidly moving forward. I’m stuck. Questions just keep flooding my mind and I’m going to overflow soon…

I want to know why I can’t move on from what happened years ago. I keep coming back to this scary place of memory and tears. I’m running low on faith and I want to know how I became this way. I wasn’t always like this. I was happy. I was hopeful. I was carefree. I prayed every night…and when nothing happened…I lost it. It was coming back slowly…and then recent events just killed it again.

I want to know why bad things happen to good people…and why good people die first. I know that I always told myself (and even my mom) that God just wants good people near Him so he takes away the good people from Earth. It was their time to go to Heaven and they were ready to move on. They completed what they were supposed to do on Earth and they were able to leave. I still want to try to believe this…but it’s so difficult.

I want to know what happens next. What happens now that I’ve chosen a dumb major? What will happen with my life?

What happens now that I’m single? What if I keep being reminded every time I hear him sing? What do I do to move on? How does one get closure? I can’t stop thinking about what I’ve been feeling lately…so many mixed emotions…so many similarly negative responses to my optimistic comments. What happened? How did I get here? I feel…numb. I don’t understand why I keep going back… I need to talk to him, but talking to him will make me want him. I can’t not talk to him either…because that just doesn’t work for me. I talked to someone who knew him and they told me that most (if not all) of the girls he’s been with have this problem…not letting go of him. Why is that? Why is it so difficult? Why are you any different? I don’t understand…

Can someone help? Solve my problems…and let’s just get on with life.

Please…someone…rejuvenate me…soon.

Currently crying and listening to “Neverends” by Vijay Kishore, “Sparks” by Coldplay, “How to Save a Life” by The Fray, “How Could An Angel Break My Heart” by Toni Braxton, “Through the Rain” by Mariah Carey, “Keep Breathing” by Ingrid Michaelson, “Jesus Take the Wheel” by Carrie Underwood, and “Gotten” by Adam Levine and Slash.