Should I just not try?

I keep saying to myself that I want a relationship…that I want that cute couple-y shit…but that’s just not true.

In reality, I think I just want someone to hold and I want someone to hold me. I want someone to kiss, I want someone to hug tightly, I want someone to do romantic things for me. After all… I am a hopeless romantic…one who believes in love and lovely things.

I’ve realized that that is all I want though… All the drama and frustrating moments just don’t seem worth it. I’ve now had my first experience of truly breaking down from realizing that a guy I really liked didn’t want me anymore…and it really got me thinking and debating if I really want all of it over again.

I started to ponder what would happen if I gave my all to someone…and we were madly in love…and then they were taken from me suddenly…like in an accident or something. All of those unresolved feelings and wild emotions… I don’t know if I want to go through with heartache like that.

So what now? Should I just not try?

Maybe the right person hasn’t come along yet and I will be ready when it happens?

We’ll see about that.

For now, I’m not expecting or hoping for anything anymore…

Things people don’t want to hear…

“He’s not good enough for you…”

Cool. So all of a sudden I have no taste in guys and I’m bound to pick the wrong one each time, right?

Well, that’s no fun.

I was under the impression that dating was supposed to be about having fun with and getting to know someone so that you can figure out what you like in the person that you will spend he rest of your life with.

No one wants to hear that they chose the wrong kind of guy…again.

What does that tell me? I’m bound to have a terrible love life and I will never be happy because my family will never approve of the guys i “bring” home. I say “bring”‘in quotations because I’ve never actually brought a guy home yet…for fear that my mom will question the hell out of him.

So what… Now YOU can decide who is best for me? When will I ever get to choose what I think is right for me??? This is what I should be telling myself instead of giving in…

But, because I was already in the mentality of “oh, I can’t possibly bring THIS one home. My family won’t like him,” I guess that doomed this relationship from the start.

I love my family, but…they can be so racist at times. The only thing my grandma and my mom ever bring up is the fact that the last few guys I’ve dated weren’t Asian. No, in fact, hey were Mexican. I don’t see what the big problem is with this, but my family insists that traditions will be broken because other races have different values. I know that. But maybe you should meet the guy…and THEN judge him all you’d like. You don’t even give them a chance!

Make progress not excuses…

Way too much negativity this year… Let’s move past all of that.

“Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.”
~ Oprah Winfrey

“Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past.  Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go.”
~ Brooks Atkinson

“One resolution I have made, and try always to keep, is this:  To rise above the little things.”
~ John Burroughs

“We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched.  Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives…not looking for flaws, but for potential.”
~ Ellen Goodman

Last but not least:
“The object of a NEW YEAR is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a NEW SOUL, a new nose, new feet, a new backbone, new ears, and new eyes… Unless a man starts afresh about things, he will certainly do nothing effective.”
~ G.K. Chesterton

Cheers to new experiences and new perspectives! ♥

Finally writing out my New Year’s Resolutions. No explanations though. I’ve got to figure it out myself. Here we go:
– Don’t look back.
– Don’t hold back.
– Live with no regrets.
– Gain a new perspective.
– I run my world.
– Do what makes me happy.
– Be comfortable with who I am.
– Be kinder than necessary.

UPDATE: New list of things to work on!

– Spread beauty.
– Do what you love.
– Love what you do.
– Keep it simple.
– Laugh out loud.
– Go with the flow.
– Be real.
– Focus on the positive.
– Do you best.
– Just breathe.

Dusk to Dawn

Finally changed my theme from Dusk…to Dusk to Dawn!

Hopefully this inspires some necessary changes in me as well.

Are you that kind of person too? Whenever I change something, renew something, update something…it always inspires a change in me. Let’s see if this works with all the stuff I’ve written about lately.

Also, hopefully this inspires a new perspective on life in me. From Dusk to Dawn…this symbolizes coming out of a darker mindset and entering a newer, brighter mindset. Even the image shows this going from a darker period to a brighter one.

From the darkness of night…to the brightness of day.

From being “blind”…to being able to “see”.

From being sadder about life…to being more content.

Just writing this is making me…happier!

I don’t know how to be myself…

It may have taken me a long time to figure this out…but I’ve never actually been true to myself.

I’ve always acted on things that I thought people wanted to see. I never acted on the first guy I liked in high school because we had too many friends in common and I was always worried what they thought of me…thought of what I saw in him… I’m such a dumba**! …only doing things for approval.

I always say how I hate when I see others seeking approval for their actions…and now I realize that I’M the one doing it…maybe more than them.

I don’t know how to stop. I don’t know how to change. I don’t know how to be brave.

Will I change? Hopefully…but probably not for a while. I need to find my courage…my strength…to do the possible. I just need to find the right footing and motivation.

Why haven’t I ever thought of this before?!

Here’s something potentially amazing…but…once again… I’m a scared b*tch.

I haven’t felt like this in…hmm…I guess forever.

I’m so torn between two potentially amazing guys.

On one hand there’s the one I wanted first. He’s older, nice, tall, very handsome, very built…pretty much my ideal type of guy. I met him at my friend’s birthday dinner a few months ago. Then we all went to a rave together a couple weeks after that and it was so much fun. Towards the end of the night I wanted to dance with him. I told my friend and she talked to him (or maybe told him that I liked him) and he agreed to dance with me. I ended up taking his shirt off because…well…who wouldn’t want to. The guy is beautiful! Well, it was later when I found out that one of my other girl friends liked him too…and liked him before I liked him. So then I backed off for a while. Our group then went to another rave a month later and a few of my other girl friends found other random guys to…*le sigh*…make-out with. So I was just enjoying my night and spending some amazing hours with random hotties. But, at the end of the night when everyone was leaving, I was wondering why my hottie man and the friend that liked him first weren’t holding hands or standing near each other. So I went in. I took him by the hand and soon after that he wrapped his big arms around me and held me. We chatted a little bit, but we were mainly just enjoying embracing each other. (Plus, we were coming down from a certain substance.) When our groups split up because we parked in different lots, he kept holding onto me and wanted me to go with them… I wanted to, but I couldn’t because I went with my other girls. Besties before testes, ya know? ;D

Then, on the other hand, there’s this other guy that I communicate really well with… He’s younger, sweet, tall, cute…dresses well for his age…hipster some might say…and I’m not sure I would’ve ever thought I’d go for this type of guy. I met him at the airport because our flight back to school was delayed. Cute, right? Yeah, all my friends thought it was destiny and that we’d get married and blah blah blah. Our story started at the airport and we talked all throughout the plane ride and annoyed this older guy who kept turning around, looking at us, and turning back around to shake his head…literally every 5 minutes. We didn’t care one bit. We just kept talking, laughing, and giggling at how much we had in common. It was ridiculous how much we had in common!!! We talked about anything and everything! Then, I figured out that our ride to campus was somehow the same person! What?! That never happens in real life…only in movies. I’ve never talked for so long to a complete stranger before (he also agreed…I asked him a few days ago). Later that week I had a performance with my a cappella group and he wanted to get lunch. He bought our sandwiches and we sat and ate and talked some more. I figured out later that all that talking is what f*cked my voice over for the performance later that night haha. Anyway, a couple weeks later, when we were supposed to be studying for finals, we both couldn’t and we agreed to just walk to a middle point between our apartments and then say goodbye. We ended walking around our apartment complexes for a good 2 hours…after midnight…in the cold night…and then talked for another half hour in my apartment. Since we kind of live near each other (about an hour away if driving) we decided to hang out over Christmas break. We spent a good 8 hours together just exploring my city and being all touristy. My voice hurt so much after this because when we get together…we talk…a lot. We text a lot too when we’re not with each other. *le sigh* We met at the airport, we were both on the same delayed flight, we had the same ride, we go to the same school, we can talk for hours…we have so many things in common…

So, I’ve hardly been talking to the older one since then… He did go to my a cappella performance (but so did the younger one) and he does want to go caroling because it’s the holidays…but our communication is off. It’s really difficult for me to talk to guys I find attractive…like super attractive. This happened with my first ex…and it’s probably not gonna be the last time it happens.

I never thought I’d fall for an Asian…and here I go liking two at the same time!

One of my best friends told me that I like the younger one…but I’m lusting for the older one. Heart and mind…is this true? Stop it.

The reason I’m so hesitant to be with the one who clearly wants me more is because I’m scared. It’s all all moving so fast with the younger one, but I still want the older one. Or maybe I don’t want to hurt the younger guy…or maybe I’m scared of getting hurt again and I don’t want anything completely stable…just…physical? But…I’m still…a virgin… Maybe I just want to experience that with the older one before I’m with the younger one because I know it might lead to something more with that one? ‘Cause I know that if I fall for the younger one, it’ll be good and I don’t want to f*ck it up. But why am I still holding on to him and leading him on? I’m dumb and I know who I should really go for…but…I really do want the older one…it’s just that I communicate better with the younger one.

*le sigh* I had a feeling that the younger one was going to kiss me on our “date” around my city…because we ended it in a mall looking up at the lights holographed onto the ceiling. It was really cute and was potentially romantic…only I didn’t let it. I kept moving around so that he wouldn’t be able to. One of my other friends dared me to kiss the older one on New Years Eve…and I had been planning on it to begin with. We are going to another rave and will fall under the same substance once more. I want to kiss him… Maybe I just want to see if it’ll work with him before I “settle” for second best. I’m ridiculous… I’m such a b*tch. I’m a scared b*tch.

Currently listening to “Taking Chances” by Celine Dion…on repeat…’cause that’s how I do.