What is your problem?!

I’m so tired of people dissing my a cappella group.

You don’t think before you speak to me, do you? You don’t realize that I am IN THAT A CAPPELLA GROUP, do you?

I don’t want you to lie…but there are other ways of telling the truth. If you’re my “friend,” then you would find those other ways. Seriously. I don’t want to hear your sh** if you’re just going to talk bad about everything we do.

We’re all girls…so what?! We smile more than you. We have more fun. We are sweeter than you. We have strong female soloists. What do you have? Basses?

We may not have amazing basses…but we work with what we’ve got. We make good music WITHOUT MEN. Yeah, I just said that.

We don’t need your approval. We don’t need you to tell us what we can and cannot do. Oh, we know…but we honestly don’t care.

We’re not competitive. How many times do I need to say this?!

We may not be the best…we’re not trying to be better than you…we just want to make music.

So what the hell is your problem?!

Currently listening to “Impossible” by Shontelle.

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Favorite old quotes!

ZOMG I found a bunch of old quotes that I used to have up in my room freshman year of college… Here are three:

“We dance for laughter,
we dance for tears,
we dance for madness,
we dance for fears,
we dance for hopes,
we dance for screams…
We are the dancers…
We create the dreams.”

“We are all of us stars…and we deserve to twinkle!”
~ Marilyn Monroe

“Take time to laugh…it is the music of the soul.”

Currently listening to Sara Bareilles’s “Kaleidoscope Heart”

Bored with life.

The only thing that I’m actually ever excited for nowadays is my a cappella group, Clair de Lune. They are my babies now. I take care of them and I feel like such a mom to them. I like it a lot. I like feeling important and in charge. I like knowing that they look up to me. I like the feeling I get when I see the girls are happy because we are actually making music together. I can’t wait for next year when my good friend are I are truly the co-presidents of the group!

Okay…on to not-so-happy stuff…

About an hour ago, I went to class…only to not go to class. I was late anyway, and my good friend who is in the class with me wasn’t going to go. I got to the door and heard some strange voice coming from the classroom. “Was there a guest speaker today?” I couldn’t remember…but wait… I couldn’t remember because I hadn’t gone to the class last week. It’s so bland. The teacher isn’t interesting. The topic is pretty interesting to me…but, if the teacher isn’t great and it’s not a topic I absolutely love, the class is going to be boring. That’s just how it works.

I honestly don’t know what happened to me. I’m drained of motivation. I’m living such a lackluster life right now. Nothing gets me up in the morning. Nothing gets me out of the apartment. Nothing makes me hurry. I feel so dull and uninspired and I haven’t even gone to work out in like a week. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way before and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life. I don’t know where I’m going at all. I can’t see myself working as someone my mom wants me to be. The only reason why I say this is because I keep asking her and she’s trying to help me since I don’t know what to do with my life. Have you ever felt this way? So…lost and uninspired? It’s terrible. I don’t know who to ask and I don’t want to bother my friends with my problems because they are happy with their lives right now. I don’t want to spoil anything for them. I know they are my friends and they will help if I reach out to them, but I don’t want to drag them down. I don’t want to hold them back when they are rapidly moving forward. I’m stuck. Questions just keep flooding my mind and I’m going to overflow soon…

I want to know why I can’t move on from what happened years ago. I keep coming back to this scary place of memory and tears. I’m running low on faith and I want to know how I became this way. I wasn’t always like this. I was happy. I was hopeful. I was carefree. I prayed every night…and when nothing happened…I lost it. It was coming back slowly…and then recent events just killed it again.

I want to know why bad things happen to good people…and why good people die first. I know that I always told myself (and even my mom) that God just wants good people near Him so he takes away the good people from Earth. It was their time to go to Heaven and they were ready to move on. They completed what they were supposed to do on Earth and they were able to leave. I still want to try to believe this…but it’s so difficult.

I want to know what happens next. What happens now that I’ve chosen a dumb major? What will happen with my life?

What happens now that I’m single? What if I keep being reminded every time I hear him sing? What do I do to move on? How does one get closure? I can’t stop thinking about what I’ve been feeling lately…so many mixed emotions…so many similarly negative responses to my optimistic comments. What happened? How did I get here? I feel…numb. I don’t understand why I keep going back… I need to talk to him, but talking to him will make me want him. I can’t not talk to him either…because that just doesn’t work for me. I talked to someone who knew him and they told me that most (if not all) of the girls he’s been with have this problem…not letting go of him. Why is that? Why is it so difficult? Why are you any different? I don’t understand…

Can someone help? Solve my problems…and let’s just get on with life.

Please…someone…rejuvenate me…soon.

Currently crying and listening to “Neverends” by Vijay Kishore, “Sparks” by Coldplay, “How to Save a Life” by The Fray, “How Could An Angel Break My Heart” by Toni Braxton, “Through the Rain” by Mariah Carey, “Keep Breathing” by Ingrid Michaelson, “Jesus Take the Wheel” by Carrie Underwood, and “Gotten” by Adam Levine and Slash.

Midtermssszzzzzz

Oh, how I wish that I could just major in life… Well, at least lindy hop and minor in blues and tap or something…

No, no…that would be too simple…wouldn’t it?

Yeah, it’s THAT time of the quarter already. Midterms. I have one in 9 hours and, oh, I’m so smart for not paying attention in class for the past 4 weeks.

Why do I even do this to myself? You think I’d have learned to manage my time better in middle school or high school…but nooooooooooo…still sucking at that.

Maybe I am involved in too many things…but I love them all! Life just wouldn’t be life without my multitude of extracurriculars. Seriously, I don’t know how I would survive at all without singing and dancing…

I think I’ll just go to sleep. I’m not understanding anything anymore…

Umm, I’ll take MOTIVATION for $1000…

Dear Motivation,

WTF? Where have you gone? Can I please get you back now? Why have you left me at such a bad time? You do realize that I have 3 more weeks of classes…and then FINALS!!! Can you please arrive sometime after St. Patty’s Day? ‘Cause then I won’t feel bad since I’ll have a week to do nothing productive whatsoever… But, honestly, please come back to me. I miss you…

Love,

Rachelle

Problems with studying… =/

It has become quite clear that I probably do have a mild form of ADD

I am still trying to finish up my study guide for my psych midterm Tuesday night (technically tonight, but that sounds weird because I’m still awake)…and I cannot focus whatsoever.

So many thoughts racing through my head…so much to do…so little time…

I keep opening my bedroom door, walking around the hall for a bit, before coming back inside and just breathing and stretching. Maybe this is a form of relaxing myself in order to concentrate…but it’s hardly working.

I also feel like munching will keep me awake…so I keep on eating dry cereal. I’ve had two cups of coffee today…thinking about whether or not I want some black tea (which is a healthier version of coffee, but still has a good dose of caffeine). Hopefully all the caffeine in my system will not overload my system or make me blackout, though I don’t see how it would.

Anyway, the reason why I think I have ADD…this link: http://www.ldpride.net/addsub-types.htm. There is a super descriptive description and I am a fairly accurate representation of the symptoms…loss of focus, shy, difficulty conversing, lateness, sensitive, concrete thinker, determined (but without foreseen success, will decrease effort or quit almost immediately), and afraid of disapproval. However, forgetting what I was saying mid-sentence, excessive talking because of anxiety, not being able to spell words, and not expressing my feelings and emotions are rare occurrences.

Man, it all makes sense now.

Maybe I should get tested…forrealzzz…

Currently listening to “La Del Ruso” by Gotan Project…on repeat. Fabulous song!!!

Relax. It’ll all be okay.

Sometimes I wonder if my friends actually read this…well, I know that one of my good friends does because she tells me so…but the others…

Anyway, I hope some of my friends do read this, if nothing else of my blog.

This will be about school, extracurriculars, and life in general.

I find it so frustrating that some people I know just complain and complain about not ever having time for themselves…just quiet, personal time…a few minutes/hours to themselves. But I don’t understand. YOU were the one who put yourself out there. YOU were the one who decided to fulfill all those obligations. YOU were the one who decided to not have a life outside of whatever you are “signed up” for. You really can’t blame anyone else…and you certainly shouldn’t complain about it if you don’t want to be so busy. You always say that you’re going to one thing…and then, oh look!, you have another thing right after…and, damn, you have to write this and this and finish up this… Please just stop. At least you have things to do. At least you are interested in not being a couch potato and actually doing something with your time. Be thankful for having so many things that you are interested in…are able to do…are improving at. If you enjoy it, you should be happy to go through with it.

Maybe you need to manage your time better? If you are feeling so stressed, take some time for yourself…just breathe…relax…it’ll be okay. I promise. I’ve been doing it for years. I’m pretty pro at it, I must say. I always have too much on my plate to actually have free time all to myself. I always have things to do, whether it’s for school, for my many extracurriculars, or for my personal/social life. I hardly have time for myself, but, do you know what? I like it. I like not having time for myself. I like not having to just sit around waiting for something to happen. I like not having to think about my past or my future. I like living in the present and being consumed with what’s going on now. That is probably why I’m always involved in so many different things. I have so many interests and I have so many passions that I can’t just be happy doing one of them. It’s just not possible for me. I love doing many different things to keep my life interesting. Sometimes I get applauded for my success in them and, although I smile and take it in, I don’t think about it too much…I just want to keep improving at whatever it is. Gosh, I guess you could say I’m a “go-getter.”

But, honestly, if you are too stressed to do all that you are doing, don’t do it…or rather, do less of it. It’ll probably be better for your body and your mind anyway.

Currently listening to: Beirut’s “Nantes” and Tim Be Told’s “Analyze.”