The only thing that I’m actually ever excited for nowadays is my a cappella group, Clair de Lune. They are my babies now. I take care of them and I feel like such a mom to them. I like it a lot. I like feeling important and in charge. I like knowing that they look up to me. I like the feeling I get when I see the girls are happy because we are actually making music together. I can’t wait for next year when my good friend are I are truly the co-presidents of the group!
Okay…on to not-so-happy stuff…
About an hour ago, I went to class…only to not go to class. I was late anyway, and my good friend who is in the class with me wasn’t going to go. I got to the door and heard some strange voice coming from the classroom. “Was there a guest speaker today?” I couldn’t remember…but wait… I couldn’t remember because I hadn’t gone to the class last week. It’s so bland. The teacher isn’t interesting. The topic is pretty interesting to me…but, if the teacher isn’t great and it’s not a topic I absolutely love, the class is going to be boring. That’s just how it works.
I honestly don’t know what happened to me. I’m drained of motivation. I’m living such a lackluster life right now. Nothing gets me up in the morning. Nothing gets me out of the apartment. Nothing makes me hurry. I feel so dull and uninspired and I haven’t even gone to work out in like a week. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way before and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life. I don’t know where I’m going at all. I can’t see myself working as someone my mom wants me to be. The only reason why I say this is because I keep asking her and she’s trying to help me since I don’t know what to do with my life. Have you ever felt this way? So…lost and uninspired? It’s terrible. I don’t know who to ask and I don’t want to bother my friends with my problems because they are happy with their lives right now. I don’t want to spoil anything for them. I know they are my friends and they will help if I reach out to them, but I don’t want to drag them down. I don’t want to hold them back when they are rapidly moving forward. I’m stuck. Questions just keep flooding my mind and I’m going to overflow soon…
I want to know why I can’t move on from what happened years ago. I keep coming back to this scary place of memory and tears. I’m running low on faith and I want to know how I became this way. I wasn’t always like this. I was happy. I was hopeful. I was carefree. I prayed every night…and when nothing happened…I lost it. It was coming back slowly…and then recent events just killed it again.
I want to know why bad things happen to good people…and why good people die first. I know that I always told myself (and even my mom) that God just wants good people near Him so he takes away the good people from Earth. It was their time to go to Heaven and they were ready to move on. They completed what they were supposed to do on Earth and they were able to leave. I still want to try to believe this…but it’s so difficult.
I want to know what happens next. What happens now that I’ve chosen a dumb major? What will happen with my life?
What happens now that I’m single? What if I keep being reminded every time I hear him sing? What do I do to move on? How does one get closure? I can’t stop thinking about what I’ve been feeling lately…so many mixed emotions…so many similarly negative responses to my optimistic comments. What happened? How did I get here? I feel…numb. I don’t understand why I keep going back… I need to talk to him, but talking to him will make me want him. I can’t not talk to him either…because that just doesn’t work for me. I talked to someone who knew him and they told me that most (if not all) of the girls he’s been with have this problem…not letting go of him. Why is that? Why is it so difficult? Why are you any different? I don’t understand…
Can someone help? Solve my problems…and let’s just get on with life.
Currently crying and listening to “Neverends” by Vijay Kishore, “Sparks” by Coldplay, “How to Save a Life” by The Fray, “How Could An Angel Break My Heart” by Toni Braxton, “Through the Rain” by Mariah Carey, “Keep Breathing” by Ingrid Michaelson, “Jesus Take the Wheel” by Carrie Underwood, and “Gotten” by Adam Levine and Slash.