Tonight’s tears.

Just wanted to let whoever was reading this know that tears fell from my left eye first both times I started crying while writing the blog below. In case you were interested…and know what that means…

Advertisements

Bored with life.

The only thing that I’m actually ever excited for nowadays is my a cappella group, Clair de Lune. They are my babies now. I take care of them and I feel like such a mom to them. I like it a lot. I like feeling important and in charge. I like knowing that they look up to me. I like the feeling I get when I see the girls are happy because we are actually making music together. I can’t wait for next year when my good friend are I are truly the co-presidents of the group!

Okay…on to not-so-happy stuff…

About an hour ago, I went to class…only to not go to class. I was late anyway, and my good friend who is in the class with me wasn’t going to go. I got to the door and heard some strange voice coming from the classroom. “Was there a guest speaker today?” I couldn’t remember…but wait… I couldn’t remember because I hadn’t gone to the class last week. It’s so bland. The teacher isn’t interesting. The topic is pretty interesting to me…but, if the teacher isn’t great and it’s not a topic I absolutely love, the class is going to be boring. That’s just how it works.

I honestly don’t know what happened to me. I’m drained of motivation. I’m living such a lackluster life right now. Nothing gets me up in the morning. Nothing gets me out of the apartment. Nothing makes me hurry. I feel so dull and uninspired and I haven’t even gone to work out in like a week. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way before and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life. I don’t know where I’m going at all. I can’t see myself working as someone my mom wants me to be. The only reason why I say this is because I keep asking her and she’s trying to help me since I don’t know what to do with my life. Have you ever felt this way? So…lost and uninspired? It’s terrible. I don’t know who to ask and I don’t want to bother my friends with my problems because they are happy with their lives right now. I don’t want to spoil anything for them. I know they are my friends and they will help if I reach out to them, but I don’t want to drag them down. I don’t want to hold them back when they are rapidly moving forward. I’m stuck. Questions just keep flooding my mind and I’m going to overflow soon…

I want to know why I can’t move on from what happened years ago. I keep coming back to this scary place of memory and tears. I’m running low on faith and I want to know how I became this way. I wasn’t always like this. I was happy. I was hopeful. I was carefree. I prayed every night…and when nothing happened…I lost it. It was coming back slowly…and then recent events just killed it again.

I want to know why bad things happen to good people…and why good people die first. I know that I always told myself (and even my mom) that God just wants good people near Him so he takes away the good people from Earth. It was their time to go to Heaven and they were ready to move on. They completed what they were supposed to do on Earth and they were able to leave. I still want to try to believe this…but it’s so difficult.

I want to know what happens next. What happens now that I’ve chosen a dumb major? What will happen with my life?

What happens now that I’m single? What if I keep being reminded every time I hear him sing? What do I do to move on? How does one get closure? I can’t stop thinking about what I’ve been feeling lately…so many mixed emotions…so many similarly negative responses to my optimistic comments. What happened? How did I get here? I feel…numb. I don’t understand why I keep going back… I need to talk to him, but talking to him will make me want him. I can’t not talk to him either…because that just doesn’t work for me. I talked to someone who knew him and they told me that most (if not all) of the girls he’s been with have this problem…not letting go of him. Why is that? Why is it so difficult? Why are you any different? I don’t understand…

Can someone help? Solve my problems…and let’s just get on with life.

Please…someone…rejuvenate me…soon.

Currently crying and listening to “Neverends” by Vijay Kishore, “Sparks” by Coldplay, “How to Save a Life” by The Fray, “How Could An Angel Break My Heart” by Toni Braxton, “Through the Rain” by Mariah Carey, “Keep Breathing” by Ingrid Michaelson, “Jesus Take the Wheel” by Carrie Underwood, and “Gotten” by Adam Levine and Slash.

Relationships.

You were pushed back two steps…so you must take four to be ahead of the game.

Let’s do this.

Let’s pick up the pieces and reassemble.

The other day, I had a great conversation with one of my good friends about relationships and what they do to you when they end. He said that you can’t possibly work on yourself during a relationship. You must already be who you are. You must already be that change. But, if you want to change, you need to do so before any kind of commitment…or it just won’t work out. It’ll just fall apart because you were trying to find yourself and doubts and worries were just thrown into the air between you two.

I’m not saying that this is what happened to me. I wasn’t trying to change…he may have been trying. Well, whatever happened, it clearly didn’t work out…and maybe it was for the best.

Thinking back on whatever we had, was I really happy? I mean, I really was a good girlfriend (“significant other”…whatever). I was faithful, I tried to make him happy, I never asked for anything more than he could give me. Well, I guess I could’ve been more selfish my own feelings… That’s just something I’ll have to work on.

Gosh, I need to make myself happy… I need to stop trying to please others… Blahhh! I’ll work on that too.

OMG this guy is amazing! He preaches the truth! Mwahaha 😛 Watch luanlegacy’s The Best Break Up Advice Ever on YouTube.

Could it be…?

…fluttering wings in my stomach again.

They were the result of listening to his arrangement being sung live.

What does it mean?

I thought it was done. I thought I was done.

Why are these feelings coming back all of a sudden?

I want to be over it all. I want to move on already.

I started to realize just in this past week that he was right. I can do so much better. He never did half the things my other friends’ S.O.s do for them anyway.

I don’t need any of it. I was happier without all of it anyway, so why would I want to change that when things were going so well?

Ugh, look at me now…confused…longing…living in a bittersweet torment from constantly being surrounded by cuteness and romanticism.

Why am I even feeling these emotions still? “…because he was the first person you really cared about like ‘that,'” says one of my good friends. Well, when does this feeling end? ‘Cause it sucks…

Does he even feel the same way? Does he think of me as much as I think of him? Does he even still have feelings for me??? …probably not.

He did say that he didn’t want me to like him anymore. Oh gosh…well, he’s really upping his standoffish behavior. Does he really think that’s going to work? …’cause it just makes me miss him that much more. It just makes me wonder why he’s being so weird and awkward.

=/

…but…every once in a while…a stare that lasts too long…a glance that is accidentally caught…a hug that lasts for more time than it should…

These dumb lingering feelings…

No. I need to stop.

Currently listening to “Set Fire to the Rain” by the amazing Adele. The lyrics speak to me so much right now… So much so, that I had to arrange it for my a cappella group. After all, I had inspiration…him.

I wonder if he’s figured that out yet…

Floating on air…

This is what it feels like when I dance…

I danced almost every song tonight at Atomic Ballroom. It’s such an awesome feeling to know that you’ve found something you know you can do well. I know I can dance. I know I can swing dance. It’s just something that comes to me easily. I feel a touch, or I hear a beat, and I respond swiftly. It’s even better when I know my lead because then I can show-off and decorate my moves without them giving me weird looks like “what the hellllll are you doinggggg?!” Hahaha, it’s great when they make surprised faces though…you know…because they weren’t expecting someone as short and Asian and not-so-skinny as me to whip out some fancy footwork. Don’t worry! I got moves! …and I’m not afraid to use ’em! ;D

Anyway, I really don’t have to do much. I don’t need to think any more than what kind of song is playing or what kind of lead I’m following. I just need to watch out for water (sweat?) drips on the floor, other follows (especially the ones with heels!), and my bra that always wants to say “hello…”

I will dance with anyone! If there’s a lead that looks difficult to follow in the bad way, I will not go out of my way to ask them…but, if the lead looks difficult to follow in the good way, and if I’m not too scared / nervous to ask them for a dance, I will leave my usual group and ask them. It’s awesome knowing you danced well with some great teachers…and they also enjoyed the dance.

Everything else just falls into place nicely. My footwork comes with practice and / or watching the lead do something cool and me asking them to do it again. I need to figure out a better hairstyle so that I don’t have to keep fixing it after every single dance…but that’ll come with time. I just always need to wear a flowy skirt / dress and my swivelin’ dancing shoes and I’m set!

There’s never a moment after I dance that I feel super sad or down…unless the lead has issues leading. But, in all honesty, I can have the shittiest day ever…and leave a dance venue with the biggest smile on my face. Dancing lifts my spirits…always.

If only I could dance every day and not be exhausted… 😛

Currently listening to “Jolie Coquine” by Caravan Palace!

P.S. Too bad I just dance for fun and not something more serious… Well, maybe that would change my mindset about dancing…hmm =/

A “Perfect” Life?

You know what I’ve realized?

No one has a “perfect” life. Everyone has issues…if you look deep enough. It’s just that they perceive those things differently and in a better light. That’s what makes them seem like they don’t have any problems in life. That’s what makes them seem so light-hearted, carefree, and full of spirit.

One of my friends told me that I was actually “normal…” whatever that means. Like, I don’t really have issues. I was thinking about how most people think that I don’t have any big problems in life… They’re extremely wrong. I choose to hide them and put them behind me. There’s no point in bringing them up when it’s not going to change anything that’s happened.

Why suffer? Just move on and continue living…that’s what I say.

I just see things differently I guess.

Currently listening to “Machine Gun” by Sara Bareilles… I’m well-versed in how I might be cursed…I don’t need it articulated…