It’s strange, but I feel relieved…

The last week and a half have been the shittiest days of my life…ever.

I got my period last week, which turned all of my emotions upside-down. I was moody. I was restless. I was easily irritated. It was horrible… I’m sorry for those of you who came into contact with me during this time. O_O

I slept over at my best friend’s house last Friday because we were going on a choir trip to Washington D.C. to sing Frank Martin’s “Mass for Double Choir” with the Georgia Chamber Singers. One of my other friends who slept over also had told me if I had seen one of our mutual friend’s Facebook statuses. I immediately went to look because I was seriously concerned about her. Her father had passed away. I knew exactly what she was feeling. I was there 9 1/2 years ago. Of course, I was much younger and didn’t know what the hell was going on. But it hit me. I realized what was going on and I grew up. Oh, did I grow from that experience. Not many people can say they’ve endured something so difficult as the loss of a parent or a friend or a loved one. I know I’ve said this in previous blogs, but it truly isn’t something you can understand until it happens to you. It just hurts all over. There’s a void that nothing can fill…almost nothing… Well, that’s not true. It can temporarily be filled, but it will always be there…eating away at your very existence…and everything reminds you of it.

I’m the kind of person who holds onto every problem and tries not to burden others with my talking about whatever it is that’s eating away at me. I just don’t like to discuss personal things very much. I was never good at talking about personal things anyway because I always end up shaking uncontrollably and uncomfortably. I literally end up twitching and sitting silently in the sudden embarrassment that I have no idea how to express my feelings. This ends up hurting my relationships deeply since I don’t know how to communicate properly. My feelings, my emotions, my opinions all get bottled up and put on reserve for a night when I can write about it in the form of a blog. I guess this is part of the reason why it didn’t work out. He’s very opinionated and extremely good at talking. He’s not so extroverted, but he knows how to talk when he wants to. I guess there are some things I need to learn from him. He could learn from me too though… But, yeah, we had some issues over the weekend.

Our choirs sang at the National Gallery of Art in the West Garden Court. It was a beautiful and truly mind-blowing experience! We may have sagged in pitch or went sharp a little in various parts, but we always came back to the correct pitch. We always adjusted and there was never a section of the mass that was a complete shipwreck. Plus, the acoustics were amazing!!! The only problem… I was still getting over a cold I got the week before. The remnants of it were totally disgusting and phlegmy. I had to stifle a cough throughout the entire performance…which made me absolutely dislike my singing…which made me not really like the performance altogether. My own performance was not so good, so the entire thing was not so good. That kind of thing. Do you know what I mean? It sucks really…

Then, when we came back from the choir trip and as I was walking to my front door, I decided to call my mom because she had missed my calls when the plane landed. We talked about the trip and she closed our conversation with “I have some bad news.” My grandmother’s sister passed away on Saturday night. My family had a ceremony called “Hong Shawn” (?) where we honor the dead and celebrate their existence. My grandma decided to visit her sister before the ceremony in the early afternoon and afterward in the evening. Good thing, because she just had this feeling. Intuition is a funny thing. Now, my grandmother’s sister had been having some health issues for awhile. We honestly didn’t think she’d make it last year…but she held on. She was a tough, little cookie. I was truly looking forward to going swing dancing on Friday night…but it turns out that her wake is Friday evening and her funeral is Saturday morning. So, my family is driving up on Friday. I must miss a rehearsal and dancing with one of my friends who came down from San Francisco…but what if I don’t want to cry? What if I don’t want to hurt anymore? What if I don’t want to go to the funeral because I don’t want those emotions to come up again? I’ve hidden those feelings for a long time…and this really isn’t helping anything. I don’t want to see my family hurt again. I don’t want to see strong, beautiful, amazing people hurt. I don’t want to. I just don’t. I don’t want to feel it…

I finally had a talk with him tonight. It was long, overdue conversation…but it needed to happen sooner rather than later. He told me that I needed to be more selfish with my feelings. I needed to be with someone who was ready for commitment. He wasn’t ready yet and I was too nice about everything. I just accepted and never questioned. I need to argue. I need to yell. I need to ask why. I’m just too nice. I’m just not the kind of person who gets angry in someone’s face and tells them off or defends myself. Maybe one day I’ll get into an argument and win…one day…one day.

It’s strange…but I actually feel relieved. He thought I would be angry and never want to see/touch him again. I actually didn’t feel that at all. I was shaking because I always shake when I talk about personal things…but, overall, I was feeling fine. I kind of saw this coming, but I didn’t think it would happen so soon. Well, now I can be my own person and focus on me once more. I don’t need to look cute every day. I don’t need to worry about if I was going to see him that day…oh, and if I should shave. I’m…free? That’s weird. No, no… I’m still in like with him… I still want to kiss him and cuddle him… It’s going to take awhile.

Everything happens for a reason, right? I’ve survived what seems like the worst…so I think I can move on and continue living like I always do. I’m a strong, confident, and content woman. I will live on…my heart will go on…haha!

Hey! Now I can exercise regularly like I used to before he happened. LOL!

Damn…my birthday is next week. Gotta look good for my 21st!

Let’s just hope shitty weeks lead to fabulous weeks! ♥

Currently listening to Adele’s “One and Only.” What a perfect song for my situation…


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