Maybe I’m just dreaming out loud…

“Come Home” by OneRepublic and Sara Bareilles

Hello world
Hope you’re listening
Forgive me if I’m young
For speaking out of turn
There’s someone I’ve been missing
I think that they could be
The better half of me
They’re in the wrong place trying to make it right
But I’m tired of justifying
So I say you’ll…

Come home, come home

‘Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long, for so long
And right now there’s a war between the vanities
But all I see is you and me
And the fight for you is all I’ve ever known
So come home…

“Hold My Heart” by Sara Bareilles

Does anybody know
How to hold my heart
How to hold my heart?
‘Cause I don’t want to let go
Let go, let go too soon…

I want to tell you so
Before the sun goes dark
How to hold my heart
‘Cause I don’t want to let go
Let go, let go of you…

Oh, how these songs speak to me right now. What a tragic situation I’m in…

Two nights ago I had a dream about him…we were kissing…like how we used to kiss… Earlier in the night (in reality) we went swing dancing with a bunch of our friends to celebrate my 21st birthday…and he kissed my cheek and so I leaned in to see if he would kiss me…and he did. Before that kiss, we hadn’t kissed in two weeks.

Then, last night, I had a dream that we were singing together. We had rehearsal together last night (in reality) for a choir we’re both in…and he likes to continue to sing even after rehearsal is done. He has a really pretty voice…

I saw him only yesterday and I’m probably going to see him tomorrow…but it seems like forever. I miss him. I miss him being cute to me…for me…

He says I deserve better…so what? I don’t care. It’s my decision…and I want him…

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Midtermssszzzzzz

Oh, how I wish that I could just major in life… Well, at least lindy hop and minor in blues and tap or something…

No, no…that would be too simple…wouldn’t it?

Yeah, it’s THAT time of the quarter already. Midterms. I have one in 9 hours and, oh, I’m so smart for not paying attention in class for the past 4 weeks.

Why do I even do this to myself? You think I’d have learned to manage my time better in middle school or high school…but nooooooooooo…still sucking at that.

Maybe I am involved in too many things…but I love them all! Life just wouldn’t be life without my multitude of extracurriculars. Seriously, I don’t know how I would survive at all without singing and dancing…

I think I’ll just go to sleep. I’m not understanding anything anymore…

21

I’m actually quite scared that I’m turning 21 next week.

First of all, 21 = party with lots of drinking and lots of friends encouraging me to drink more… It sucks ’cause I’m such a “one-hit wonder.” Literally…I can have one beer and I’m good for the night. I hope my friends are true friends…well, at least they can hold my hair back if it gets bad. 😛

Second, 21 = I need to get a move on with my life. I have no idea what I’m doing and where I’m going with my life. I don’t have any effing clue as to what I want to do. It’s ridiculous. I have wants and desires…sure. But, those dreams are far off and are probably not going to happen anyway. I need a realistic dream. I need a life. Hah!

Third, 21 = what else is there? At 21, you can drink. At 25, you can rent a car. Then what? Over the hill at 50? Holy shizz…

Still listening to Adele’s “One and Only.” It’s going to take awhile for this song to not be on repeat anymore…jus’ sayin’.

It’s strange, but I feel relieved…

The last week and a half have been the shittiest days of my life…ever.

I got my period last week, which turned all of my emotions upside-down. I was moody. I was restless. I was easily irritated. It was horrible… I’m sorry for those of you who came into contact with me during this time. O_O

I slept over at my best friend’s house last Friday because we were going on a choir trip to Washington D.C. to sing Frank Martin’s “Mass for Double Choir” with the Georgia Chamber Singers. One of my other friends who slept over also had told me if I had seen one of our mutual friend’s Facebook statuses. I immediately went to look because I was seriously concerned about her. Her father had passed away. I knew exactly what she was feeling. I was there 9 1/2 years ago. Of course, I was much younger and didn’t know what the hell was going on. But it hit me. I realized what was going on and I grew up. Oh, did I grow from that experience. Not many people can say they’ve endured something so difficult as the loss of a parent or a friend or a loved one. I know I’ve said this in previous blogs, but it truly isn’t something you can understand until it happens to you. It just hurts all over. There’s a void that nothing can fill…almost nothing… Well, that’s not true. It can temporarily be filled, but it will always be there…eating away at your very existence…and everything reminds you of it.

I’m the kind of person who holds onto every problem and tries not to burden others with my talking about whatever it is that’s eating away at me. I just don’t like to discuss personal things very much. I was never good at talking about personal things anyway because I always end up shaking uncontrollably and uncomfortably. I literally end up twitching and sitting silently in the sudden embarrassment that I have no idea how to express my feelings. This ends up hurting my relationships deeply since I don’t know how to communicate properly. My feelings, my emotions, my opinions all get bottled up and put on reserve for a night when I can write about it in the form of a blog. I guess this is part of the reason why it didn’t work out. He’s very opinionated and extremely good at talking. He’s not so extroverted, but he knows how to talk when he wants to. I guess there are some things I need to learn from him. He could learn from me too though… But, yeah, we had some issues over the weekend.

Our choirs sang at the National Gallery of Art in the West Garden Court. It was a beautiful and truly mind-blowing experience! We may have sagged in pitch or went sharp a little in various parts, but we always came back to the correct pitch. We always adjusted and there was never a section of the mass that was a complete shipwreck. Plus, the acoustics were amazing!!! The only problem… I was still getting over a cold I got the week before. The remnants of it were totally disgusting and phlegmy. I had to stifle a cough throughout the entire performance…which made me absolutely dislike my singing…which made me not really like the performance altogether. My own performance was not so good, so the entire thing was not so good. That kind of thing. Do you know what I mean? It sucks really…

Then, when we came back from the choir trip and as I was walking to my front door, I decided to call my mom because she had missed my calls when the plane landed. We talked about the trip and she closed our conversation with “I have some bad news.” My grandmother’s sister passed away on Saturday night. My family had a ceremony called “Hong Shawn” (?) where we honor the dead and celebrate their existence. My grandma decided to visit her sister before the ceremony in the early afternoon and afterward in the evening. Good thing, because she just had this feeling. Intuition is a funny thing. Now, my grandmother’s sister had been having some health issues for awhile. We honestly didn’t think she’d make it last year…but she held on. She was a tough, little cookie. I was truly looking forward to going swing dancing on Friday night…but it turns out that her wake is Friday evening and her funeral is Saturday morning. So, my family is driving up on Friday. I must miss a rehearsal and dancing with one of my friends who came down from San Francisco…but what if I don’t want to cry? What if I don’t want to hurt anymore? What if I don’t want to go to the funeral because I don’t want those emotions to come up again? I’ve hidden those feelings for a long time…and this really isn’t helping anything. I don’t want to see my family hurt again. I don’t want to see strong, beautiful, amazing people hurt. I don’t want to. I just don’t. I don’t want to feel it…

I finally had a talk with him tonight. It was long, overdue conversation…but it needed to happen sooner rather than later. He told me that I needed to be more selfish with my feelings. I needed to be with someone who was ready for commitment. He wasn’t ready yet and I was too nice about everything. I just accepted and never questioned. I need to argue. I need to yell. I need to ask why. I’m just too nice. I’m just not the kind of person who gets angry in someone’s face and tells them off or defends myself. Maybe one day I’ll get into an argument and win…one day…one day.

It’s strange…but I actually feel relieved. He thought I would be angry and never want to see/touch him again. I actually didn’t feel that at all. I was shaking because I always shake when I talk about personal things…but, overall, I was feeling fine. I kind of saw this coming, but I didn’t think it would happen so soon. Well, now I can be my own person and focus on me once more. I don’t need to look cute every day. I don’t need to worry about if I was going to see him that day…oh, and if I should shave. I’m…free? That’s weird. No, no… I’m still in like with him… I still want to kiss him and cuddle him… It’s going to take awhile.

Everything happens for a reason, right? I’ve survived what seems like the worst…so I think I can move on and continue living like I always do. I’m a strong, confident, and content woman. I will live on…my heart will go on…haha!

Hey! Now I can exercise regularly like I used to before he happened. LOL!

Damn…my birthday is next week. Gotta look good for my 21st!

Let’s just hope shitty weeks lead to fabulous weeks! ♥

Currently listening to Adele’s “One and Only.” What a perfect song for my situation…

Note to self: Receive life with open hands.

I want to spell out why I said “hands” because I feel there is a reason why I thought of that instead of “arms.”

“Receive life with open arms.” = Be perceptive of everything. Take in what you can. Use what you have. Embrace everything with an OPEN MIND. Open arms allow for the receiving and acceptance of whatever comes a person’s way. I guess this is more tolerant… There have been plenty of situations where I open up my arms and embrace whatever is thrown at me. I don’t believe that a person should hold back so much as to completely shield themselves from any potentially growing experience.

“Receive life with open hands.” = Be perceptive of everything. Take in what you can. Use what you have. Embrace everything with CAUTION. Open hands allow for the receiving and partial acceptance of certain things that come a person’s way. I guess this is more stubborn…and afraid of change…and hurting… Of course, everyone goes through situations that might make them more cautious with their feelings, but you have to get over it sometimes and just remember that things happen for a reason. Maybe this isn’t true for everything, but I do believe that some things do happen to either teach you about yourself or benefit you in some strange and amazing way.

There are many things I feel like I need to be cautious with…my feelings for a start. I’ve had many experiences where it appears to be fitting that I’ve become so cautious with myself. It’s taken me a long time to sort of peek out of my shell, but I will get there. I promise!

Swing dancing helps! “Social dance” is filled with so many interesting and fun people and it allows me to be who I truly am for a few hours. It is a place where I am comfortable being who I am…or who I think I am. Dancing saturates me with so much happiness and pleasure because I know that dancing is something that comes easily to me. It is something that I don’t have to think about… I just think about the moment and how much fun I’m having. 🙂

Actions speak louder than words.

I love my friends.

I honestly have no idea what I would do without them.

In times like these, my friends are there for me. They make me think. They make me talk it out. They make me laugh.

They make me realize that my situation is a minor one…that whatever happened in my life just now will not make much of a difference in 20 years.

I am a lot calmer than I was last night and even this morning.

I guess I just needed to stew in my thoughts for a day and allow myself to simmer down.

“Stew”…that’s such an odd word to use in this post. Sure, you’d think of food, more specifically soup…but, in this context, it fits.

I’ve stewed in my thoughts, my obstacles, and my behavior the entire day.

I’m not saying that I’m ready to talk about it…because words don’t always do me any good…but I will try if I see you trying to fix it too.

One thing I remembered from a class I took in high school was that I am the kind of person who is reassured by ACTION. I’m not a very wordy person, which is probably why I find it difficult to express my feelings verbally and why I don’t always believe what people say. A person can say many things, but only truly believe and act on a few. Actions speak louder than words. Actions are what count in my eyes. What you DO invalidates anything you SAY.

“If you can find someone to love just being around you, not necessarily speaking the entire time but it’s definitely not an awkward silence, you’ve found the one you’re meant to be with.”

[I apologize for being so passive-aggressive in the blog post I hid… I care too much…so much so that I feel bad now for being “mad.” o.0 Yeah, I’m that kind of person…]

Omg…really? I’m not like every other girl.

HAH!

[Alright…to counter my previous blog post…the one I took down because I decided it wasn’t worth it to embarrass the one I was talking about…here’s another post.]

Sooo, I know that most girls out there get mad and STAY mad for a really long time…

I guess I kind of do too…I even hold grudges…but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to see you, or hang out with you, or be with you!

I’m not going to be all b*tchy the next time I see you!

I’m not going to go all mama bear on you!

I’ll get over it…

I swear!

Just because I’m disappointed doesn’t mean I don’t want to be around you.

I’ll be annoyed, but I’m not going to let that get in the way of my fun.

[Am I really that scary?! o.0]

Currently listening to “Where Is the Love” by the Black Eyed Peas.