You know what really sucks?
Forgetting it even happened.
Actually, you never really forget because the hole that it caused is always in you…always eating at your soul…always causing an emptiness that can never be filled.
All you can really do is hide the tears that well up inside of you.
I must be strong. I must get through this. It was nine years ago and, although I shouldn’t forget, I can’t let it take over.
The only reason why I remembered it happened was because my friend mentioned a similar story and how she couldn’t cry because she had to sing.
I could feel the tears in each eye just ready to stream down my cheeks.
I know that my friend on the other side of the table could see something and I wonder if they could hear the story being told and remembered my story.
I had to get away from the table we were all sitting at, so I stood to throw away my cup and napkin.
Then, the feeling went away sort of.
It was only until we all got up to walk toward the cars that my friend put her arm around me because it seemed like she could sense my distress.
Of course, this usually makes me cry harder…so all of a sudden my cheeks were wet with tears.
Good thing it was nighttime and the streetlights weren’t that bright.
Our other friends walked ahead of us and I was glad that no one turned around or else I would’ve sobbed right there in the parking lot.
Talking is NOT an option when I’m about to cry or when I am crying, so I didn’t even try to say why I was so sad.
I texted my friend and told her exactly the reason for my tears because she had been there a couple times previously when I told my story.
I knew she would understand or at least just be a shoulder for me to cry on.
My friends were all dropped off at their places and, as my other friend that was driving me pulled up to where she usually drops me off, I told her what was going on also.
I think she could sense that I was on the verge of crying, so she didn’t ask.
I was also glad that she could tell I didn’t feel like talking about it.
My gosh, nine years…already?
…and it still makes me sob…
This is definitely something I will never, ever be able to forget.
…and no one will ever know what it feels like unless it happens to them…which sucks.
Well, all I can say is I’m glad that I know so many amazing people who understand me so well.
Currently listening to: “This Woman’s Work” by Maxwell.
(If you are wondering, read some of my first blogs posts. Particularly, this one.)