Okay, so all the stress built up from this past week just hit me…like ten minutes ago…
I totally just burst out crying, but I didn’t want my roommates to know because I hate crying in front of others. It was a difficult, quiet sob…tears streaming down my face…uncontrollable gasping…my face buried in my hands…hoping no one would walk into the kitchen to catch me… This lasted about two minutes.
I just looked up the Wikipedia entry on “crying” and the function of crying is that is a response to inflicted physical pain and inward pain (stress, irritation, fear, anger, etc.). Crying relates to the experience of perceived helplessness as well. When people hear good news, they feel helpless because they cannot influence what’s happening. Crying is supposed to make one feel better. The hormones associated with stress (particularly adrenocorticotropic hormone) are eliminated, or at least mitigated, with crying. Crying, obviously, is also used to ask for comfort from others. I guess my kind of crying doesn’t exactly elicit help from others since I’d rather cry alone. I’m not quite sure why I’d rather cry alone… I’m just weird like that.
Anyway, I’m sure we all have at least two different kinds of crying. That “pretty” cry that we see in movies when the actors have one glistening tear rolling down their cheek only to be swept away by their lover’s hand. Yeah, that doesn’t really happen to me. I have the “ugly” cry down pretty well. My eyebrows furrow, lips quiver, nose turns red, hands shake, eyes closed shut… If you ever see me cry, it will be the saddest thing you ever see. This only happens when I see a sad movie, read a sad news story, or hear about a sad situation. There have been times when I just absolutely HAD to cry. If I’m feeling a lot of stress (like I was this past week), I really feel the need to have one outburst of a “good” cry. A “good” cry does everyone some good. There are some things that I know will make me cry the “ugly” cry, so when I’m feeling like this, I admit that I am able to induce crying.
Right now I actually feel pretty good. I’m still a bit stressed out and I’m realizing that this next week will most likely be at around the same level of stress as last week. But last week was a horrible kind of stress. This week will hopefully be a lot better and smoother.
You’re probably wondering why in the world I would want to cry in the first place… Let me tell you.
For the past two Relay for Life meetings, I’ve had to be the notetaker for my team, Clair de Lune A Cappella. I write down all the sub-events (is that a word?) and activities (a much better word!) that will be taking place during the 24 hours we will reside in Aldrich Park on the UCI campus. This isn’t that bad, but, as the event approaches, I’m getting more scared…scared of crying…scared of remembering…cancer. I know I will cry. It will probably be the “ugly” cry too. Lovely. I’m fine with learning about cancer and I can deal with it, but the luminaria ceremony will be difficult. Really, really difficult for me! As I’ve mentioned before, my dad passed away with cancer in 2001 and one of my aunts passed away with cancer in 2008. The luminaria ceremony is to remember those who have dealt with cancer and who have lived or not lived through it.
I waited until the day before to write a research proposal… I realize it wasn’t smart and I should be smarter than to do that…but I haven’t had a lot of time to just sit and write a paper.
I’m fundraising chair for CDL as well, and I volunteered to bring stuff for our table at Wayzgoose. I wanted to make bags of rice so that we could make fried rice to sell. I didn’t have enough time on Friday because I was also planning on taking a nap (which I didn’t actually get to do) to recover from the night of dancing that occurs every Thursday. I decided to have dinner with friends because so much has happened that relates to all of our lives (which I will explain later). We needed time to catch up and laugh a little before we got too stressed out. Therapeutic laughter is a wonderful thing! Anyway, I asked if I could make the rice and give it to them while setting up and prepping for Wayzgoose. It was fine and worked out well, but I just hate when I say I’m going to do something and then I don’t have enough time. I like being reliable, but I spread myself too thin. I’m involved in a lot this quarter and I want to do it all. I really do, but time is a big issue. Time management is an even BIGGER issue.
A group of people in choir with me are also really into swing dancing as much as me. We dance every Thursday at a friend’s house, every Friday at Atomic Ballroom, and every Monday at swing club. Swing club is starting a swing team and so we’ve been having choreography sessions about 2-3 times a week. This is totally fine because I pick up choreo relatively fast. The only thing was fine-tuning the moves, but that was also fine with me. I had to help friends because timing was off and they couldn’t spin fast enough and blah blah blah. Auditions are tomorrow and I’m feeling sooo prepared. I’m ready to kick some butt. Let’s do this!
Okay, so one of the events that happened this past week that was a complete shock to my friends and I was the disappearance of someone we knew from swing club. Mahesh Mahadevan was one of the sweetest guys in swing club. He had aspired to be on the swing team with us too. He always had the biggest smile on his face whenever we danced and he made me really happy. He was even a decent lead, which made me even happier. He strived to learn more. He was last seen on Saturday, April 10, 2010 and was reported missing the following night. Some hikers found a body near the UCI Observatory on Thursday evening and the body was identified on Friday afternoon as Mahesh. I found out on Thursday night of his disappearance (actually earlier in the week, but it didn’t really register) and I was preparing myself for the worst. I was so scared that I had to ask my roommate to quietly finish up my paper in our room instead of in the kitchen. I think I knew right away that he was gone forever. I didn’t want to believe it, but a part of me knew the body they found belonged to someone I knew. Rest in peace, Mahesh! This isn’t a “goodbye”, but a “see you later…”
I never realized how perplexing and inexplicable a person could be until this past week. Someone gave out different excuses, and I thought about for awhile and realized the story changed…meaning it was all a lie. I’m just saying that if you’re going to lie, at least tell the same story…maybe you’re friends won’t figure it out. You know, I guess whoever said that sometimes it’s just better to tell the truth was right. If you get too caught up in your lie, it gets really bad. Telling the truth, especially to your family and friends, may irritate them, but it’s definitely A LOT better than getting the full force of their rage when they figure it out. This goes hand-in-hand with having the guts to be able to be honest.
Anyway, the song that really got me thinking and sobbing was “Jesus Take the Wheel” by Carrie Underwood. The specific lyrics:
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
It’d been a long hard year
She had a lot on her mind and she didn’t pay attention
She was going way too fast
Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin, black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn’t even have time to cry
She was so scared
She threw her hands up in the air
Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can’t do this on my own
I’m letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I’m on
Jesus take the wheel
This has been one crazy school year. I’ve been brave and bodacious, smart and suave, fun and exciting, ambitious and motivated, and, of course, stupid and a bit obtuse. I’ve taken risks, I’ve made decisions, and I’ve had fun. I’ve cried, I’ve regretted, and I’ve definitely been flustrated (which is the conjunction of “frustrated” and “flustered”). But, all in all, I’ve grown. Isn’t that what’s supposed to happen in college? Growth. Expansion. Blossoming. The amplification of who we are meant to be. It’s wonderful. I just hope I’m going in the right direction, going down the road to happiness.
The next song on that playlist and one of the most beautiful songs I’ve ever heard is “Prayer of the Children.” The lyrics I love are:
Crying, “Jesus, help me
to feel the sun again upon my face?
For when darkness clears, I know you’re near,
bringing peace again.”
Dali čujete sve dječje molitve.
Can you hear the prayer of the children?
This is the last chorus of the song…listen to it…find meaning in the lyrics…appreciate your life. I’ve begun night prayers almost every night, but I haven’t actually finished a prayer in a long time. I pray as I lie down in bed, which is pretty dumb if you think about it. A college student, no…a busy college student lying down to pray before actually falling asleep…that doesn’t happen very often. I need to finish my prayers. I will do that tonight. I’m definitely praying that this week will hopefully be A LOT happier for me.
Anyway, did you actually read the entire blog? If so, I commend you. By the way, I started writing this around 8:15 PM, so it took me almost two hours to write this blog… I need to do some homework now…