I don’t understand why people cry to other people… Sure, I’ve done it when I’ve hurt myself physically and when something as dramatic and tragic as what I’ve mentioned in previous blog posts happened… but maybe it’s something I have to experience first-hand. A bad ending to a relationship? I’ve never had one. I guess I just don’t understand why anyone would want to cry to someone. I guess it’s more for support and encouragement that what they did was the right thing to do, but I’d rather cry alone. I don’t see the need to cry for hours on end. Besides, I hate my crying face. The scrunched up face that everyone makes? Yeah, I don’t like seeing mine so I hate it when others see it too.
Here’s how I cry: once I get the feeling that I need to release something, I just watch the SYTYCD breast cancer dance choreographed by Tyce Diorio and the judging afterward and that’s enough to get me crying for a good 5-10 minutes. After that, I’m done. I don’t need comforting because it’s an issue that I’ve dealt with in the past. I’ve learned how to deal with those emotions and thoughts that run through my head when that situation happens.
Maybe that’s the thing… I’ve only experienced something tragic once and those tears definitely streamed out hard. Sometimes I still feel like crying about it, but what’s the point? Nothing’s going to change. Nothing’s coming back into my life. Nothing’s going to be the same again. I’ve accepted it and I’m still moving on. That was enough to make me realize I have to be strong and continue to grow and learn from it. I’ve become more independent and rely mostly on myself for my own happiness. Happiness. That’s something I find in everything I do. If there’s no happiness in something I set out to do, I quit. I don’t see the need to do something I don’t enjoy, so that’s why I try to make the most of what I do. I try to be optimistic, but sometimes it just doesn’t work out that way. Whatever. I move on.
It sounds like I’m numb and devoid of all emotion. I’m not… I promise! I guess that’s why I smile… to hide my true feelings. Smiling makes others think I’m fine. Smiling makes others think of me differently – as someone happy and not “broken”. Smiling is the sneaky way of hiding myself. My sad self is masked by the pretense that all is fine and peachy.
Gosh, darn it… Another deep post.
By the way, that dance piece is a really beautiful piece and has a very special place in my heart! You should watch it like now… NOW! Here’s the link: SYTYCD Breast Cancer Tribute.