Ooo fix me, fix me!

Here’s me self-improvement blog! Yay!!!

The biggest problem for me right now is not getting enough sleep. I’ve noticed (and maybe some of you have noticed too) that I’ve been pretty much a zombie for this whole quarter. I have little bursts of energy, but slowly go back to my zoning out. I enjoy being with friends and I feel like I haven’t actually “been” there with them because I zone out so often. Last night, for example, I was at In ‘N Out eating my Cha with other friends who had Yogurtland (haha random, I know) and in the middle of our conversing, I blanked out a few times. It may have been from the many rehearsals I had practically every day earlier in the week, or the actual performing that I put so much effort into it, or maybe I was just tired in general even though it was only 10PM. In any case, I tried really hard to not zone out and be in the moment and I really, really wanted to pay attention. It was just really difficult to do. =/

Another big problem for me is not studying hard/long enough and procrastinating all the time. I’m here at UCI to STUDY, not hang out with friends, or dance, or sing… TO STUDY!!! I clearly need to get that in my head. It’s not fair to my mom who pays for my education to find out that I’m not doing as well as she thought I was. Even though those “study breaks” are necessary in a college student’s life, they shouldn’t be the main focus. Procrastination… Ohhh, how I loathe thee. I thought I had gotten rid of you when I broke that wooden board with the word “PROCRASTINATION” written across it in Physics class senior year of high school (YES, I broke a wooden board with my bare right hand… after a few tries… and it resulted in a nasty bruise that my graduation gown, thankfully, hid). I guess not… You suck.

Something that goes along with the above is I need to work on staying focused and being in the moment. When I think of things I need to do, I need to get it done right then and there. I can’t say I’ll do it later because I’ll forget. I need to just do it and get it over with.

The last thing I’d like to work on is my shyness. I have a huge problem with not being myself and only thinking about what others think of me. I do everything for the purpose of satisfying others. Worrying about this just takes away my time, energy, and joy. I blush like crazy whenever I speak up in class, sing a solo (even when I just audition for fun), see a guy I like, talk about my life, etc. I read about blushing one time that it’s your body’s way of showing others you’re submissive and weak to make others empathize with you and support you. But I don’t want others to empathize with me… I don’t want others feeling sorry for me. I’m a strong and independent woman and I can get by just fine (I think). Don’t get me wrong! I love my friends and family and all those who support me. I just need to find a way to be more comfortable with my actions and my words. What I really need to do for myself is stop worrying about what others think and just do what makes me happy.  I need to say what I need to say. I need to be who I want to be. I need to have faith and believe that what I’m doing is right. The simplicity of even thinking of just satisfying myself is so beautiful. =)

I’ve decided that anything physical about myself can be worked on later. I’m accepting the way I look and, if you don’t like it, don’t look! =P Acceptance of yourself and how you look (along with having faith in yourself) is part of the road to success and happiness.

So, now that I’ve acknowledged my problems, hopefully in time they will be fixed.

“Live with intention. Walk to the edge. Listen hard. Practice wellness. Play with abandon. Laugh. Choose with no regret. Continue to learn. Appreciate your friends. Do what you love. Love as if this is all there is.” ~ Mary Anne Radmacher

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One thought on “Ooo fix me, fix me!

  1. Joe says:

    rachelle, i agree with you on this post, most definitely. although… it’s really hard to believe, but i used to be a shy one too. then i got used to people thinking that i was a fun person to be around (idk how) but i got over that and it turns out that i am! =) give it time. things turn out to be a lot better once you change how you see everything.

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