Decent vs. Amazing

Do you ever feel amazing? Like you’re totally confident in who you are and what you are becoming? Like you are the best at something?

I wish I could feel this more often. I guess it’s good that I don’t because I’d probably turn into an arrogant person, but I still think it’s okay for everyone to be amazing at one thing.

Here’s my problem… I have so many interests and I like to do many things. I like to sing, dance, write, play piano, take pictures… and the list could go on. Out of all of these, though, I feel like I’m decent at all of them… but not really great at any of them. Over the weekend, I went to a friend’s apartment and another friend started playing piano and singing a song she composed. Then others joined in and played on various other instruments and it sounded good… like performance status good. Honestly, I felt a bit intimidated and musically challenged. I wish I could compose and play piano and sing at the same time and improvise on piano. It was truly amazing to see and I’m so happy that I know amazing musicians so talented enough and involved in their instruments that they are able to create something as beautiful as what I heard. I just have to keep working at it I guess. I just have to invest more time because it doesn’t come to me as easily.

But then again, maybe my problem is managing my time between everything I want to do. Procrastination is horrible and I experience it every day. It sucks. My attention drifts between various activities that I want to do… When I’m doing something boring, my mind wanders to something else I’d like to be doing…

My desires and wishes exceed my real work.

Allow past experiences to shape your life, but don’t let them hold you back.

Sadness.

I know that everyone has experienced it at one point in their lives… I know I have. Even though there are different degrees of sadness, it’s still sadness. It’s still there haunting your every move. It’s still buried deep in your mind. It’s still there traumatizing you. It’s something that may make you hold back or let go. It’s still something that changes your life. It’s still there and will always be there. How you deal with it is an entirely different thing.

I believe that what we’ve experienced in the past only shapes who we are today. We have to acknowledge whatever happened, understand why it happened, accept it, and learn from it. This is the only way we can keep on learning, keep on growing, keep on living.

Can’t Take That Away – Mariah Carey

They can say
Anything they want to say,
Try to bring me down,
But I will not allow anyone to succeed hanging clouds over me.
And they can try
Hard to make me feel that I
Don’t matter at all,
But I refuse to falter in what I believe or lose faith in my dreams.

‘Cause there’s,
There’s a light in me
That shines brightly.
They can try,
But they can’t take that away from me,
From me.

Oh they,
They can do
Anything they want to you
If you let them in.
But they won’t ever win.
If you cling to you pride and just push them aside.
See I,
I have learned
There’s an inner peace I own,
Something in my soul that they can not possess.
So I won’t be afraid and the darkness will fade.

‘Cause there’s,
There’s a light in me
That shines brightly.
They can try,
But they can’t take that away from me.

No, they can’t take this
Precious love I’ll always have inside me.
Certainly the Lord will guide me where I need to go.

They can say
Anything they want to say.
Try to bring me down,
But I won’t face the ground.
I will rise steadily sailing out of their reach.
Oh, Lord, they do try
Hard to make me feel that I
Don’t matter at all.
But I refuse to falter
In what I believe or lose faith in my dreams.

‘Cause there’s a light in me
That shines brightly.
They can try,
But they can’t take that away from me,
From me.

The lyrics to this song are so inspirational. It says that people can say what they want, they can do what they want, they can think what they want… but it’s totally up to me to decide how I want to live my own life. Through everything, I must keep my head up and keep my eye on the prize because my faith and determination will help me pull through whatever I encounter. Obstacles will always be there to try to stop me from achieving something greater.

If you know what the SPOP (Student Parent Orientation Program) is here at UCI, I used this song in my staffer interview to describe how I see life and how I try to live life.

So what I’ve come to understand and accept is this:

I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

~Marilyn Monroe

What do you wish you could do on Valentine’s Day?

What do you wish you could do on Valentine’s Day?

I wish I could…

~ attend the V-day pillow fight at the Embarcadero in SF > not possible because I’m in SoCal

~ watch the movie Valentine’s Day

~ hear beautiful singing > This is a done deal! I’m going to hear the Men In Blaque perform at UCI!

~ receive a single flower from someone I know (or anonymously)

~ watch the sunset

~ dance in the moonlight

~ be told I’m beautiful

~ hold hands with someone

~ be kissed ♥

Eating Disorder or Disordered Eating

How does someone become anorexic? In my Anthro 136K class today, we watched a movie about Renfrew Center, which shelters anorexic women and girls. They look so tired and you can see every bone… I just don’t understand how anyone could have the mindset that they must be thin to be beautiful. I think healthy is beautiful.

One specific scene that really struck me and got my emotions stirred (almost on the verge of tears) was when one of the counselors gave one of the women a sharpie to draw what she thought her body looked like. The body she drew looked really masculine and stocky and not like her at all. The counselor placed the woman in front of the drawing and traced her actual body along the drawing. The woman’s body was actually smaller than her drawing. WAY SMALLER! Her body was actually really fit and really healthy looking. It’s a shame that so many women think of themselves as ugly and fat when they’re really not like that at all. It was emotional for me when the woman started writing on the drawing of her actual body. She wrote words like “breast lift,” “love handles,” “saddle bags,” “needs tone,” and “HELP ME.” So many women in our society think this. I know for a fact that I occasionally think this about me and a lot of the women in my life think this about themselves sometimes too. In this way I could understand her distress. However, how could one go so far as to make oneself unhealthy? How can people starve themselves or purge themselves? It’s amazing to see what lengths people will go through to conform to society’s image of beauty.

Another scene that captured my attention was when another woman told a counselor that she joined all these different programs (I can’t remember which but something as strict as the Navy) in order to lose weight because she knew that they trained and worked hard. The counselor then told her that she shouldn’t follow what other people say. She should want to look healthy and look good and beautiful for HERSELF. Look good for no one but HERSELF. Isn’t that so inspiring? To just do something for myself… to make myself happy… to satisfy my needs… I sometimes have issues with my body, but to hear those words put together… it makes me wonder why I sometimes want to look the way I want to look. It really makes me rethink my own body image. Maybe what I think is beautiful isn’t actually as beautiful as how I look now. I remember, when I was younger, how my mom used to comment on how I looked and how I shouldn’t eat so much and blah blah blah. Well, what am I supposed to do? I study, I have a social life, AND I love to exercise (play sports, dance, go to the gym)… And yet I still look this way. Maybe I’m supposed to look this way… Just accept me for who I am! I love food too much to just give it up altogether… My stomach (or somewhere in my abdominal region) hurts really badly sometimes and I can’t help it or do anything about it. My mom and I have always thought it was hypoglycemia or something but then we started to figure out that it has something to do with my stress levels. We’re still not sure (we’ve gone to doctors and they are no help whatsoever) and all I know is that I HAVE to eat or it’d start hurting. So there… food must be in my life or I really wouldn’t survive. I don’t think I could ever have an eating disorder because I must eat and I hate throwing up (lots of experience from when I was younger and would get the flu).

I think all people are unique and we all have different body shapes. I mean it’s better to be healthy than to look like celebrities who are stick thin. I think all women should understand that we all are meant to look differently for a reason. No matter how different we look on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside that truly matters.

Women and men… YOU ARE ALL BEAUTIFUL JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!!! 🙂

Afraid of Love

Hmm not really… It’s just the cutest song I’m listening to right now called “Afraid of Love” by Beth Waters. Here are the lyrics:

I used to hide behind the curtains of my living room
Everytime I thought about you coming to my door
I would hang up the phone before you ever said hello
And dash into another aisle when I’d see you at the store

I was afraid
I was afraid
I was afraid of love
I was afraid
I was afraid
I was afraid of love

One day I noticed I was looking for your face in crowds
And wondered if in fact you had forgotten about me
I waited by the phone to see if you would call again
And watched out of my window with my head upon my knees

I wanna fall
I wanna fall
I wanna fall in love
I wanna fall
I wanna fall
I wanna fall in love

Now I see love everywhere I go
It’s in the songs on the radio
An old couple sitting in the park at noon
Eating heart shaped cookies
Oh God, what did I do?

Then came the day that I had secretly been wishing for
You walked into a coffee shop where I was having tea
I glanced into your eyes, my body started panicking
Then suddenly your head came down and kissed me on the cheek
From there it’s all a blur, I can’t remember what you said
I just kept staring at your lips, repeating in my head the words

I am in love
I am in love
I am in love with you
I am in love
I am in love
I am in love with you

Ooo ooo ooo ooo

I am in love
In love with you

Perfect for preparing myself for Valentine’s Day… The butterflies you feel, the giggles that appear and words that disappear, and the rush you get when that one person you really like stares a little longer than normal… I haven’t had this feeling in a long time. I haven’t actually had a Valentine since my sophomore year in high school. Even then, all I did was give him a chocolate Kiss and an awkward hug and then slowly scooted away. Haha cute but lame… I know.

Well, I must admit that I’ve been getting those feelings again. ♥. Yes, I am thinking a lot more about one certain person. It seems we are pretty similar, especially in the way we act around each other. We both seem to be shy and a little awkward. Hmm I don’t want to give away who that person is… But let’s just leave it at this. I may have to make the first move, which would be okay… However, (haha a million eyes will read this now…) the “boyfriend” that I did have before… hahaha we were too shy to do anything. No kiss… nothing! On our first date we watched Scary Movie 4 with one of my best friends and her boyfriend. First of all, horrible date movie… I mean, seriously? I can’t believe we all decided on it. I also may have gotten nightmares from the stupid scenes from The Grudge. Secondly, my friend and her boyfriend were lip-locked at the very end, and my date and I felt a little awkward. We held hands and had a really nice, long hug. That’s about it! I think it’s just me who’s awkward. Shy awkward… Cute awkward?! Hmm, whatever, it’s still awkward.

Anyway, so there’s my story. I would be okay to make the first move if I had had an actual relationship before… Well, maybe I could just rebel and I’ll make the first move. That’d be kind of awesome! But, would that change the dynamics of the relationship? Who cares?! I think I’ll just go ahead and try…

5 DAYS ‘TIL VALENTINE’S DAY!!!!! ♥

I’ll leave you with some of my photos that I took late January up in Julian, CA at Camp Cedar Glen:

Ciao for now! ♫ ☺ ☮

Women & Our Bodies

This quarter at UCI I’m in a class called Anthro 136K: Woman and the Body. When I first signed up for the class, I thought to myself “Ohhhh this’ll be an easy class!” Turns out, it’s not as easy as I thought it would be. Well, it is in the workload and all, but it’s difficult because it brings up issues every class that sometimes I’ve never had to respond to. I may have had thoughts and feelings on some of the issues, like women’s rights, how women are portrayed in today’s society, why women think the way they do, etc. I had no idea that this class would delve so deep into these societal issues. I’m so glad I’m in the class. I’m gaining a new perspective about my life. I love it.

Now I will try to explain what I’m talking about when I say societal issues… Take, for example, the two classes I had last week… Two of the most important clips we saw were:

Dreamworlds 3: Desire, Sex, & Power

Dreamworlds 3, part 7

These two clips were the epitome of emotions for me. I had no idea that I have been surrounded with these images of women that we are thought of as sexual objects… We are animals that go crazy with the thought of attractive men… Our bodies are gazed upon in fragments… Our worth is as good as the body we maintain…

What a crazy world we live in… What is wrong with society?

After watching these clips and after searching for others on this same note (I came across “War Zone“) and couldn’t help but think “Wow… this is so true.”

How in the world will women ever be treated as human beings when this society shows us that we are supposed to act like animals?

How in the world will a woman ever be appreciated for being a woman and not just a sexual object?

No wonder so many women (and little girls “Dana the 8 year old anorexic“) today have eating disorders and other problems with their bodies. No wonder women gaze upon models and movie stars with hatred and jealousy. No wonder women are unhappy with their lives. This society has made the image of the movie star and the supermodel the ideal body for women. Celebrities are idolized for their slender but busty bodies… their perfectly made up faces… their carefully placed hair… Most women are not this image though. I wish most men would realize this and would take this to account.

Women are not just objects of sexual desire… So stop making us those objects!

If you go to UCI, please take my advice and take this class (even if you’re a dude)! It’s opened my eyes to how unbelievably stupid our society has become… Please, please take the class!